


Hold Onto Me

by Idisch_von_Swedish



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Drama & Romance, F/F, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kara and Alex are just friends, Kara in Denial, Kara's POV, Lena is in her late twenties so a couple of years older than Kara, Mon-El is an asshole, Not Much Smut tbh, Ten a.m. On Monday's Lezzy, but he is only in the first part, very AU...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-15 00:32:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10546984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idisch_von_Swedish/pseuds/Idisch_von_Swedish
Summary: Kara works at a cafe and admires this beautiful woman, a regular, who appears to be everything Kara is not. Rich, successful, ~someone~. Unfortunately, also: unapproachable. But one day the routine is broken, something is off, and Kara finally gets a chance to talk to her.It doesn't go particularly well but it's the beginning of a friendship that turns out to be so much more, and so much more complicated. For starters: Kara. Is. Not. Gay. She has a boyfriend. That aside, something strange is definitely going on with Lena Luthor and Kara doesn't quite dare to think what might be going on in her home.





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Take Me Away](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8769103) by [Idisch_von_Swedish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idisch_von_Swedish/pseuds/Idisch_von_Swedish). 



> Sooooo I had this bright (or not so bright, up to you to decide) idea to make one of my favourite Swan Queen fics into a Supercorp one because I'm currently more into the latter ship and I've realised many Supercorpers don't come from the SQ fandom. I want my new friends to be able to read this story, and to really feel it, because it's not quite the same when it's not about your OTP, right?
> 
> That being said, PLEASE MIND THE ADDITIONAL TAGS FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS! This is NOT fluff, even though there will be some sweet moments too.
> 
> If you think it's too OOC I'm sorry, but if you don't I hope you'll enjoy the journey!
> 
> [TRAILER (Swan Queen)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t0vULN6KeI)

Kara slowly straightened and backed away, panting heavily. There was blood, so much blood.

 

“Lena?” she called breathlessly, as if the air had suddenly run out of oxygen.

 

There was no answer so she tried louder.

 

“Lena!”

 

With her heart pounding she searched the elegant house, following the trail of red stains up the stairs like a bloodhound. The door she ended up in front of had a small WC sign on it, blood smeared on the handle, but strangely: no lock. There was no lock on the bathroom door. Kara knocked urgently on the dark wood.

 

“Lena? It’s just me,” she called as reassuringly as she could manage. “He's... He’s gone.”

 

When there was still no answer she opened the door, and her stomach churned at the sight.

 

“No,” she breathed out.

 


	2. PART ONE - Wings Clipped, Still Meant To Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara is oblivious and in denial. Lena likes muffins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things:
> 
> * Alex is Kara's FRIEND, not her sister in any sense, and she hasn't quite figured out her sexuality or come out to anyone yet. This story isn't about her. 
> 
> * Mike is Mon-El is a Daxamite to the core, no redemption there to speak of. He's worse than on the show? Idk. Don't read if you like him, haha!
> 
> * Kara has a tragic, lonely past (nothing new really but oh well). Kara is also a bit of an idiot in this chapter, I promise she'll do better ;)
> 
> * Lena is in her late twenties, meaning she's a couple of years older than Kara. I can't believe Lena's supposed to be 24 on the show? Oh well. Not here.
> 
> * I KINDA LIKED CANON JACK. After seeing the episode I just wanted to add that, because in this story: we don't like Jack.

**_* * * PART ONE * * *_ **

**_Wings Clipped, Still Meant To Fly_ **

 

 _There had been a woman who would regularly visit the cafe, alone, just to sit and slowly sip on a cup of coffee. She would always order the same type of coffee, often stay long after finishing her cup, and Kara clearly remembered the first day they had spoken beyond_ _courtesies._

 

* * *

 

Kara’s co-worker sighed heavily and whined about some classy lady in the back.

 

“We're almost full and she hasn't bought anything yet. I asked what I could get her and she went “oh, nothing” and I just can't deal with that right now. My hormones are off the chart and I'm allergic to snobs!”

 

“Yeah, Eve, I know,” Kara calmly replied to the four months pregnant woman. “Take over here while I go talk to her.”

 

She located the small table and it’s occupant, recognizing her as the slow-sipping coffee woman. It wasn’t her usual time to be there – which was Mondays and Thursdays at ten a.m. – but who was Kara to keep track, anyway? Except that she was pretty intrigued by this woman in particular.

 

She was beautiful, always impeccably dressed, and her long, raven hair was always perfectly conditioned. In a way, she appeared to be everything Kara was not. Rich, successful, _someone_. Kara had spent a fair amount of time pondering about who she was and what she was working with, curious to see if she truly was the snob Eve assumed she was, but the woman always seemed so unapproachable.

 

Today, though, her clothes as well as hair looked considerably less perfect, and when Kara cleared her throat to get the woman’s attention, she flinched in a rather unexpected manner.

 

“I'm sorry, do you need me to go?” she immediately asked, her bright-green eyes briefly meeting Kara’s but not maintaining eye contact.

 

The reaction stunned Kara, who took a moment to adjust. There had been fear in those eyes. Why would she be scared? And of what? Surely, the risk of getting sent out wasn’t _that_ frightening?

 

“Um, well, technically... Are you waiting for someone?”

 

The brunette almost looked hopeful for a moment before she cast down her eyes and shook her head gently.

 

“I'm afraid not,” she mumbled and moved her fidgety hands from the table into her lap. “I...forgot my wallet and didn't realize until I got here.”

 

She had contemplated to lie, then opted for the truth, then told another lie. Kara could tell. It was in that moment she realized that there was no outerwear in sight, despite it almost being November and definitely not summer weather anymore. She frowned and shifted her weight, torn between rules and emotion. She couldn't throw the woman out in the cold just like that, now could she?

 

“Did you forget your coat, too?”

 

It was meant to be humoristic but clearly didn't get received that way. There was another flash of fear in the woman's eyes and she quickly arose from her chair.

 

“I’m sorry, I'll go.”

 

“No, wait!” Kara exclaimed, holding her hands up in a hindering gesture.

 

There was something off with the whole thing and she felt obligated to find out what it was. Plus, she was curious. To get rid of the of the unwanted attention drawn by her exclamation, she gave the brunette a reassuring smile and pointed at her previous seat.

 

“I'll pay for your coffee.”

 

“I don't need charity,” she said dismissively, straightening her back.

 

So, Eve might be right about her, she did show snobbish tendencies. Kara briefly considered to just let her go but decided to give it another try.

 

“Of course you don't,” she amended. “Let me rephrase it. Can I buy you some coffee?”

 

“And why would you do that?” the woman questioned with slightly narrowed eyes.

 

Kara hadn't exactly prepared an explanation and gave a small shrug.

 

“I have an employee discount?”

 

The brunette furrowed her brows but offered a faint smile as she reluctantly sat down again.

 

“Alright, then,” she agreed, clasping her hands on the tabletop.

 

Kara flashed her one of her best smiles, relieved and even more curious. It hadn't been much of an explanation, really, but clearly enough to convince the woman to accept her offer. She threw a glance back toward the counter, where Eve was busy trying to do two people's jobs by herself.

 

“I'll just assist my colleague for a moment, then I'll be right back,” she promised.

 

A nod from the brunette later, Kara was on her way toward Eve and the people lining up in front of the counter.

 

“Thank God, you're ba-”

 

“Change of plans,” Kara interrupted. “I'll help you with a couple customers but then I’ll be gone for a bit again.”

 

“Kara!” Eve complained, but they didn't have time to argue.

 

A few minutes later Kara returned to the woman at the small table in the back and slid onto the opposite chair of her as she put the latte she had prepared between them. She had even made the effort to create a flower motif, which had turned out quite good.

 

“Thank you,” the woman said with sudden earnest in her voice.

 

Her hands encircled the warm cup and she gazed down at it, the corners of her mouth lifting ever so slightly as she noticed the art. But she didn't show any further signs of thinking to drink it.

 

“It’s not poisoned, I promise.”

 

The woman let out an amused puff of air through her nose.

 

“I didn't think it was, but now I'm getting suspicious,” she said with a small smile, glancing up to briefly meet Kara’s gaze.

 

Kara hesitated, she didn't want to impose, but her gut told her something wasn’t right. No one just ‘happened’ to forget both their coat and wallet during this time of the year and didn't go back to get it.

 

“So, what brings you here today?” she asked, hoping to sound casual.

 

“What do you mean?” the brunette questioned warily.

 

“It's not exactly the season to walk around without outerwear,” Kara tentatively pointed out. “They predicted freezing degrees tonight.”

 

“Well, I appreciate the coffee, but I don't think my reasons to be here are any of your business.”

 

While the woman's tone was sharp, her refusal to look Kara in the eyes was sending contradictory signals that greatly confused the blonde. But there was only so much she could do for a reluctant stranger.

 

“You’re right,” she agreed and got up from her seat. “I should get back to work. Enjoy your latte.”

 

* * *

 

_The woman had stayed until the cafe closed a couple of hours later, and by the time she left it had been raining outside. Kara had felt sorry for her. A bit worried, as well, when she didn't show up the following Monday. Or Thursday. The next Monday again, however, she had come in as usual._

 

* * *

 

“Hey! I was afraid I had scared you away,” Kara half-jokingly greeted the familiar brunette, who gave a tentative smile in return.

 

“No, I’ve just been busy, that's all.”

 

“And you found your wallet?”

 

“Yeah, it was never lost. Like I said, I had just left it at home,” the woman replied, bringing the item up from her purse. “So, today I can pay for myself!”

 

She gave a small, awkward chuckle and Kara thought that whichever snobbish tendencies she had showed last time seemed completely gone today. In fact, the woman had always been polite before, at least as far as Kara was concerned. Perhaps it was just her dressing style that provoked Eve, or – quite possibly – her stunningly good looks. Not that the younger blonde wasn’t pretty, but she was... Well, kind of ordinary. There was nothing ordinary about the raven-haired beauty standing before her now. Except perhaps how she took her coffee.

 

When Kara cleared her table later she found a note there with some money folded into it. “ _To Kara, for last time,_ ” it read. She threw a glance toward Alex, her co-worker for the day, before putting both the coffee money and the note in her back pocket. No need to share when it had her name on it, right? Which, by the way, did impress her a little. They had name tags, sure, but they were tiny and one had to squint pretty hard to be able to read them.

 

Kara’s boyfriend wasn’t too happy finding the note on the kitchen table in her apartment that evening, though.

 

“What’s this?” he asked suspiciously.

 

Kara turned around from the stove and smirked when she saw what he was referring to.

 

“Why?” she teased. “Afraid there might be someone else?”

 

“Not particularly, no,” he replied and sat down at the table, relaxing a bit. “Not even _you_ would be stupid enough to leave this lying around if that was true.”

 

“Hey!” Kara exclaimed, pointing at him with her pasta fork. “Watch it, or you'll be without dinner tonight!”

 

The ash-blonde man grinned and leaned back in his chair.

 

“So demanding,” he teased.

 

“But you like it,” Kara countered and turned around to check on the spaghetti.

 

“Now, that's something you've made up, sweetie,” he objected. “But as long as you’re a good woman and cook for me, I won't complain.”

 

She clenched her jaw and tightened her grip of the pasta fork, deciding to not even bother to respond. They both cooked, actually. When they weren’t having takeout, anyway. One of these days she would probably go through with her threat and deny him dinner.

 

“Did you get mad now?” he wondered, and sighed when she didn't reply. “It was a _joke_ , Kara.”

 

“Well, I didn't find it _funny_ , Mike.”

 

It would’ve been alright if it happened once in a while, but this was a common occurrence. They would joke around and tease each other, then he would say something offensive and Kara would wonder why she was still with him. Why they got together in the first place. But she knew why.

 

He had been very persistent in his attempts to win her heart and though she hadn’t been the least bit interested at first, she had come to appreciate his efforts. It always felt good to be desired, and she loved him for loving her. Like her biological parents hadn’t, because they’d given her away, and like neither of her foster parents had, either, because they’d never let her stay. Mike wanted to be with her, despite all her flaws. He wanted a future with her. What more could she possibly ask for?

 

* * *

 

_Respect. Self respect. She knew now that a relationship where only one part was in love didn't have much of a future. It was better to be alone than with someone whom she didn't truly love. But she wasn't alone, not anymore. Well, hadn't been for some time, at least. Right now, she didn't know. She really didn't know how to deal with all of this. With a hopeless sigh she returned to her memories._

 

* * *

 

“Your usual?”

 

It was ten sharp at Thursday morning and the raven-haired woman was punctual as always.

 

“Yes, please.”

 

Kara nodded and didn’t hurry to prepare the coffee. There was rarely any rush of customers at this time and she wanted to try make another flower.

 

“You didn't have to pay me back, you know.”

 

She glanced up at the brunette, who actually held her gaze this time.

 

“I wanted to.”

 

Kara gave her a smile and got a matching one in return, then placed the decorated latte on the counter and accepted the money handed to her. It wasn't her intention but her eyes briefly flickered down to the woman's wallet and she got a glimpse of it’s contents before it was closed. Perplexed, she put the money she had just received in the cashregister. Most people had lots of stuff in their wallets – cards, photos, receipts – but this one had been almost empty. To Kara, it seemed a bit odd. But what did she know, maybe the woman had more than one wallet.

 

Half an hour later the people seated next to the brunette left, and Kara volunteered to clear their table.

 

“She's actually nice,” she pointed out to Eve, the younger blonde merely rolling her eyes as Kara headed over to fetch the dirty dishes.

 

The woman looked up with a bright smile as Kara approached and Kara almost thought there must be someone behind her. But there wasn't. The smile was meant for her and she felt ridiculous for the sudden wave of happiness that surged through her body. Clearly, she must be deprived of affection, because a simple friendly smile from a stranger shouldn't trigger such a reaction. Or should it? Kara smiled back either way and tried to think of something to say. Unapproachable had changed to approachable, providing an opportunity to get some of the answers she’d been seeking forever.

 

“Do you want a refill?”

 

Yeah, because she had only asked that a hundred – well, not really – times before and always gotten the same answer.

 

“No, thanks.”

 

Kara gave a short nod and began to clear the next table, glancing up toward the brunette every few seconds with the intention to continue the conversion, but none of the lines she came up with seemed good enough. When the woman suddenly spoke on her own accord, Kara momentarily lost focus and nearly knocked a glass over.

 

“I'm Lena, by the way.”

 

A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. Resuming with her task, Kara replied almost automatically.

 

“I'm Kara!” she said, before remembering the note. “Which you obviously already know.”

 

“Yes,” Lena smiled, “it says on your...”

 

She briefly looked down at Kara’s chest and made a vague gesture.

 

“I'm amazed anyone can actually read these,” Kara commented. “Even with my glasses on I can hardly make out what they say.”

 

She pushed her glasses more firmly into place to accentuate her point and felt pleased with herself when the other woman chuckled lightly. It was always nice to be able to brighten someone's day, if only ever so slightly. But she didn't get paid primarily to chat with customers.

 

“Well, I guess these aren't gonna clean themselves,” she reluctantly declared. “Are you sure you don't want anything?”

 

Lena didn't immediately decline and Kara waited expectantly for her answer. If she ordered something else, this would be the first time. At this cafe, anyway.

 

“I don't really know what you have,” she said, eventually. “I just come here for my latte.”

 

Remarkable. Change was in the air and Kara felt oddly excited.

 

“We have all sorts of things. To eat we have sandwiches, salads, pastries, cookies, cake, pie... I think it’s raspberry today.”

 

Lena looked as indecisive as before.

 

“Come have a look,” Kara suggested, and Lena slowly complied and followed her to the counter.

 

* * *

 

_Lena had finally decided on a kale and quinoa salad. Why pick something tasty when she could have the most disgusting thing they served? But somehow, Kara hadn’t been surprised. It had fit the picture of this classy business lady. She’d said she liked it and eaten everything, and then – for the first time ever – she’d been in a hurry to leave the cafe._

 

 _It hadn't exactly become routine, the snack thing, but every now and then Lena would order something to eat to her latte. Always a salad or, if they had the peanut butter chocolate chip kind, a muffin. She had mentioned one day that she loved muffins, then looked at Kara briefly through her lashes before averting her eyes, a faint blush tinting her cheeks. Kara hadn't quite understood her sudden shyness, not until much later, but she had smiled and made a joking promise to always have Lena’s favorite muffin flavour available on the brunette's days from_ _then_ _on._

 

_The joke had somehow become reality and as November turned to December, and December to January – in a blur of Christmas and New Year, celebrated casually with Mike, his brother, and his brother’s fiancée – Kara’s life had started to revolve more and more around those days. Those mornings. She had begun to look forward to their conversations, which had become increasingly more personal each time. Lena had told her about her job, finally stilling some of Kara’s curiosity, but had been equally interested in what the blonde had to say about her own job as a waitress. Kara hadn't realized how much their brief – but regular – interactions meant to her until she got the stomach flu and had to stay at home for almost a week._

 

* * *

 

Kara tried to concentrate on the book in her hands but her mind kept drifting. Had Lena read this book? If she had, what did she think of it? What kind of books did she like? Kara would have to ask next time they met, which, _oh_. She’d miss Monday, too, because she couldn’t show up at the cafe still vomiting. Unless she wanted the customers, Lena included, to catch her bug, but obviously she didn’t want that.

 

To her surprise she didn't miss Mike at all, almost appreciated the break. They kept contact through calls and texts, of course, but Kara found herself quickly losing interest whenever they talked. She was even reluctant to tell him when she was back at work, but couldn't come up with any excuse to why she should lie. It was with a sigh she admitted she was on her way there and just like she'd predicted, he immediately invited himself over for the evening. “Ok,” she simply agreed, and he didn't seem deterred.

 

Her mood improved upon entering the cafe, where a grinning Alex instantly started to fill her in on everything she’d missed while being sick. After a few spectacular stories, the short-haired brunette suddenly looked smug and waggled her eyebrows.

 

“Oh, and, um, Lezzy asked for you.”

 

“Who?” Kara asked confusedly, pausing with her task to direct her full attention to her co-worker.

 

“You know, Ten a.m. on Mondays Lezzy?”

 

Kara stared at Alex, dumbfounded. She was just joking, right? Lena was a _friend_ , or was at least becoming one. Clearly she didn’t...?

 

“What?”

 

“She totally checks us out all the time, you really haven't noticed?” Alex said, brows raised and a smirk in place.

 

Kara slowly shook her head, her eyes wide and uncomprehending.

 

“I mean, not in a disrespectful way, she's not like a pervert or anything,” Alex hurriedly added. “But it's definitely noticeable. Probably easier for me to observe though, since you’re her favourite. I swear, every time you have your back toward her-”

 

“Okay!” Kara cut her off, already ill at ease and not wanting to hear any more details. “I get it.”

 

And then she did, truly, as if a light bulb went off in her head. Get it. Everything suddenly made sense. The dazzling smiles, the interest in her obviously very ordinary and boring life, the occasional shyness and inability to hold her gaze, the blushing. Kara resumed with her task at hand, her mind racing as she processed the unexpected news. She gave a small whimper as she realized...

 

“I've made her hearts.”

 

It was Alex’s turn to look confused.

 

“Hearts?”

 

“You know, latte art,” Kara said weakly. “I know we usually don’t do that but I've been practising, starting with flowers and then varied them with different heart designs.”

 

“Interesting,” Alex said smugly. “No, but seriously, why are you freaking out? It’s not like I just told you she's a murderer? I'm sure we have plenty of lesbian customers, only that this lady stands out because she’s a regular and has grown to like you. It could still be merely friendly?”

 

Kara was stuck on the first question.

 

“I'm not freaking out,” she declared, not entirely convincingly. “I'm just trying to take in all this information and come to terms with the fact that my newfound friendship is a lie.”

 

“Kara, there's no need to be overdramatic,” Alex chided her pouting colleague and gave a small laugh. “Are you afraid she's gonna infect you with her gay germs or something? Cause I assure you, that's not really how it works. You see, in order to be accepted as a true lesbian, you need to pass a number of tests...”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Kara chuckled, appreciating the attempt to brighten her mood.

 

Alex fidgeted slightly with her hands, looking like she was about to say something more, but in the end she just flashed Kara another smile. Kara returned it and then gave a small sigh.

 

“I should probably set her straight though, right?” she wondered.

 

“You might have trouble with that.”

 

“Alex!”

 

The brunette barely stifled a laugh.

 

“Couldn't help myself! But okay, I'll be serious now,” she promised. “You might want to communicate your disinterest at some point, yes. Maybe just casually mention your boyfriend next time you talk to her?”

 

“Ugh, don’t remind me of him,” Kara grimaced.

 

“Hit a rough patch?” Alex asked sympathetically and was answered with a noncommittal nod. “I'm sorry, relationships certainly aren't all roses. But you’ll work it out, I’m sure of it.”

 

Kara wasn’t as sure.

 

* * *

 

_She had been nervous that Thursday, still not fully convinced that Alex’s observations were true and unsure of how to act if they actually were. “Just mention Mike,” she’d told herself, only to realize she didn't want him to be part of her and Lena’s little bubble. At all. Another option for ‘communicating her disinterest’ had been sought, but half past nine she had simply given up and decided to bite the bullet and be blunt._

 

* * *

 

“Kara?” Eve called from the counter.

 

Kara was currently loading the dishwasher and quickly started the machine and emerged from the kitchen upon hearing her name.

 

“Yes?”

 

“She took one look at me and just turned in the door!” Eve complained, equal parts angered and hurt. “What the fuck is her problem?”

 

“Um, who?” Kara wondered dumbly, then noticed the time which she had completely forgotten about for the past thirty minutes.

 

“Ten am?” Eve hinted and Kara nodded briskly.

 

“Yeah, I just realized. Did she really just leave like that? No explanation? Maybe she got an important call or...”

 

“She didn’t get a call,” Eve deadpanned. “She probably thought you were still sick and decided not to bother with coffee today. Apparently it’s only worth it if you’re here. Or, maybe, she spotted the blueberry muffins. Yeah, don’t think I haven’t noticed that you always insist on making those ridiculous peanut butter chocolate chip flavoured ones whenever she’s coming here.”

 

Her tone had softened to mild banter for the last comment and Kara felt a slight blush creep up her neck at being found out. But time was of the essence so she hurried across the cafe to peer out the door and spotted the back of a familiar figure not too far away. Without hesitation she exited the building and jogged after her. Only then did Kara’s nervousness make itself known again. What was she actually doing? But it was a little late to change her mind and she resolutely reached for the retreating woman’s arm.

 

“Lena!” she called, her fingers brushing lightly against beige fabric for a split second before the brunette startled and winced away from her.

 

Kara stood dumbfounded with her hand still lifted. Had she done something wrong? Was Lena mad at her? Could she read her mind and knew what she had planned to say? Then, almost as quickly as she had winched away, Lena turned around to face her, eyes instantly brightening.

 

“Kara,” she greeted with a small smile, sounding relieved.

 

“I, uh,” Kara began aimlessly, finding it hard to not lose herself in the brunette’s intense gaze. “I didn't mean to startle you.”

 

And just like that, the moment was gone, Lena’s eyes once again evasive as she shifted uncomfortably.

 

“Oh, don't worry, I just didn't expect you here,” she brushed it off. “I didn't see you in the cafe.”

 

While it all seemed fair enough, Kara still had a feeling that Lena was hiding something. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but certain parts of Lena’s behaviour did seem odd, lesbian crush or not. She _was_ easily startled, Kara had noticed, and her eyes told so many things her lips didn't. Kara wished she could read them better.

 

“Well, according to my colleague you didn't stay very long, so that's probably why you missed me,” she said with a smirk.

 

Lena briefly mirrored Kara's expression but then looked down and swallowed visibly, appearing to be building up her courage to say something. She wasn't exactly the image of a successful businesswoman in this moment.

 

“I did,” she mumbled then, colour rushing to her cheeks. “Miss you.”

 

Kara’s heart kicked off into a wild dance in her chest. She was supposed to clarify that they were just friends, so that there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings. She wasn't interested in anything beyond friendship. She wasn't interested in _women_. But when she finally spoke – after what felt like an eternity of almost palpable tension – all she could hear herself say was:

 

“I missed you, too.”

 

She would forever remember the look on Lena’s face when the brunette looked up again. Tentative at first, as if wondering whether she could really trust what she'd just been told, and then... Hope. It pulled at Kara’s heartstrings and filled her gut with ice cold fear, but she didn't regret her words. It had been the right to say and, moreover, it was the truth.

 

But the fear. She was afraid of hurting Lena, afraid of what Mike would do if he found out, and afraid of what all of it meant. How could it be that this woman stirred emotions within her that Mike had never even come close to? That _no_ _one_ had ever come close to? Those were the questions arising in Kara’s mind when she looked at Lena and saw _hope_.

 

“So, are you still not having coffee today or...?” she asked casually in an attempt to ease the tension.

 

“I'm afraid I don't have time,” Lena replied with a hint of sadness ghosting her features. “I need to gather some ingredients for a cake and then hurry home to prepare for tonight's party.”

 

“Oh,” Kara said, trying not to sound disappointed.

 

She ignored the little voice in her head pointing out that Lena probably had stopped by the cafe only to see if she was back yet, and instead focused on the woman’s apparent disinterest for this party of hers.

 

“What kind of party, if you don't mind me asking?”

 

Lena hesitated for a moment. A long, outdrawn moment.

 

“Birthday,” she told then. “Today is my birthday.”

 

* * *

 

_Kara had almost excused herself for not having a present but she’d caught herself midsentence and trailed off. There had been no reasons for presents and she’d simply wished Lena a happy birthday, instead. Not until after their goodbyes had she felt the cold, the cold that had nothing to do with her emotions and all to do with the freezing winter around her. Or so she told herself, at least. Eve had raised her eyebrows quizzically when Kara reentered the cafe alone, but hadn’t pressured her to explain._

 

_Mike, on the other hand, hadn’t accepted her excuses. He'd sensed her inner turmoil and demanded her to spill the beans, resulting in her storming out and ignoring his calls for the rest of the day. In pure spite she’d bought Lena a present, after all, and she'd never regretted the impulse purchase. She hadn’t planned to give it to her, in all fairness the woman had hesitated to tell her it was her birthday in the first place, but it had been stored safely in Kara’s rucksack, just in case she'd change her mind._

 

* * *

 

“No more hearts,” Kara muttered sarcastically to herself as she looked down at the design in Lena’s latte. “Oh, really?”

 

The strings of tiny hearts kind of looked like vines, though. It could be interpreted either way. And heck, part of her was...excited? She knew she shouldn't encourage Lena but what harm could some latte art do? It didn't mean anything. The knowledge of the small, L-shaped earrings in her rucksack, however, were weighing on her conscience. But no one had to know, right?

 

“Did you have a good birthday?” she asked as she put the latte on the counter, once again catching a glimpse of Lena’s naked, close-to-empty wallet.

 

“Oh, well... It was alright, I guess?” the brunette faltered slightly and handed over a bill. “It was just a birthday.”

 

Kara wanted to believe that Lena was as unbothered as she tried to appear, but what she saw in front of her was someone trying too hard not to care. Her birthday celebrations had obviously not gone as planned.

 

“Ah,” Kara said, thinking she understood, and handed back the change. “Well, did you at least get something nice?”

 

At that Lena froze and suddenly looked a little green.

 

“I...yeah. Can I have the receipt, please? There are people in line.”

 

Kara did as she was asked and watched with a frown as Lena fled to her usual spot in the back. There was exactly one person in line and he had entered mere seconds before Lena’s hasty retreat. Kara worried her lip but put on a smile for the other customer.

 

She didn't understand these quick changes in mood and behaviour the brunette was displaying. Lena was undoubtedly very unpredictable, except with her coffee routine. She was a confident businesswoman one minute, a shy school girl the next, and every now and then she would just act totally weird. She would look scared, haunted, or – like today – sick. It was usually rather subtle and lasted for only a short moment, like a memory triggered and quickly pushed back into place, but it bothered Kara a great deal. She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, the feeling that had been born the day Lena ‘forgot’ her wallet.

 

When the other customer had left with his coffee and bagel Kara ushered Alex to the side to have a word with her.

 

“I don't know what to do!” she hissed in a hushed voice and threw a glance in Lena’s direction.

 

Alex followed her gaze and gave a sympathetic smile.

 

“By the gloomy look of our dear Lezzy I'm guessing you two had ' _the_ _talk'_?”

 

“The talk? What talk? Oh, _that_ talk!” Kara caught on. “Uh, no, not yet. I just asked about her birthday presents and she practically bolted! It was really odd. And I bought her fucking earrings, can you believe that? To my defense I was really pissed at Mike at the time, but still. I actually bought her _jewellery_ , like, _shit_. I'm not gonna give them to her, obviously, but I still feel guilty, you know? Carrying them around in my bag in case the right moment will present itself. Which it never does, anyway, so it's completely pointless.”

 

“Kara,” Alex said firmly and grabbed hold of Kara’s arms. “You’re not making any sense. _Earrings_?”

 

“Yeah, I know. Totally crazy, right? Just...forget that part, please,” Kara said pleadingly. “At the moment I’m more concerned about her reaction to the birthday present question. I'm not sure what to do.”

 

Alex still looked considerably confused but nodded slowly.

 

“Okay. I'll forget about the earrings, for _now_ , but don't think you're off the hook.”

 

Kara groaned but knew there was no escape. She’d been stupid enough to bring it up and of course Alex would have questions.

 

“So, what you obviously should do now is walk over there and ask if something is wrong and if she'd like to talk about it.”

 

It sounded so simple. But Kara knew better.

 

“And if she says no?”

 

“Well, then you've still showed you care and hopefully she'll feel better. Maybe she'll even tell you one day. Honestly though, in my experience, you should be more worried about her saying _yes,”_ Alex finished with a knowing look.

 

She was probably right. A yes could be more troublesome. But Kara wouldn't find out until she asked, so she gave her friend and colleague a resolute nod and headed for the back of the cafe. Lena seemed lost in thought and hadn’t touched her coffee yet.

 

“Hi,” Kara said awkwardly, not surprised when it startled the brunette. “I thought... Maybe... You got really horrible presents?”

 

Because that was totally what she had planned to say, right? However, it did make Lena smile. Not broadly, not brightly, but a little. Then the smile took on a sad undertone.

 

“Yeah, maybe they were pretty horrible,” Lena reluctantly admitted. “Pretty, but horrible...”

 

“Flowers?” Kara guessed, her face scrunched up in confusion about what could be ‘pretty, but horrible’, but Lena just shook her head and cast down her eyes. “Okay, no guessing. But, uh, do you...? Uh. Can I...? Eh.”

 

Kara nervously adjusted her glasses, suddenly not knowing how to ask. Lena’s wary expression didn't help. What if Kara made things worse? Perhaps it was better to leave it be. Perhaps she should just talk about the weather or something. But she wanted to wipe that troubled look off Lena’s face, wanted it so badly that she disregarded the possible negative consequences.

 

“I hope you won't find my present horrible,” she said, her rushed words all but highlighting her anxiousness.

 

She fidgeted with her hands and awkwardly shifted her weight as Lena’s eyes widened with astonishment. The brunette was stunned silent for a moment, her mouth working soundlessly. Then she frowned.

 

“You got me a present?” she finally managed, sounding so hopeful it boarded on desperation.

 

“I did,” Kara replied with a tentative smile, starting to realize that despite her good intentions, she might have made things worse.

 

Now she had to actually give Lena the earrings and _then_ tell her she wasn't romantically interested in her. What a great plan. Or not. Kara felt a slight panic arise in her chest and looked over at Alex, who tilted her head and gave a questioning thumbs up. No help there, Kara thought and looked back at Lena, trying to calm herself down.

 

“Would you like to see it?” she croaked out, or at least that was what it sounded like to herself.

 

“Of course,” Lena nodded, but it was clear that she noticed Kara’s discomfort.

 

“Um, maybe not here,” Kara suggested, blushing at her own awkwardness. “I mean, it's a personal gift...”

 

Lena gave her a lopsided smile as she stood and followed the still blushing blonde behind the counter and into the breakroom. Well, the small space between the kitchen and the staff bathroom where Kara’s and Alex’s bags were thrown haphazardly on a narrow and well **-** worn loveseat.

 

“Sorry, eh... Budget restrictions,” Kara excused the low standard and dug her sweaty hands into her rucksack, pausing when she felt the small box of jewellery.

 

She had actually never been this nervous before. Not with Mike, not with any of her earlier boyfriends. But it wasn't the nervousness that worried her. It was the butterflies in her stomach. Unable to stall any longer she brought the box out of the bag and turned to Lena, trying to appear casual as she held it out toward her.

 

The silence was deafening. Kara didn't know what to say and Lena seemed to be in a similar state. She glanced up at Kara briefly, uncertainty and astonishment in her eyes, but then proceeded to accept the gift without meeting Kara’s gaze. The box was opened, the tension palpable, and for a moment Kara got worried. Lena didn't smile. She just stared down at the small, silver L's in total paralysis, without even blinking. Then, finally, she swallowed and looked up at Kara again, her eyes glistening with...tears?

 

“I-I don't know what to say,” she stammered, her voice thickwith emotion.

 

“A simple thank you will do just fine,” Kara assured her with a soft smile, trying to grasp what was happening and act accordingly.

 

Lena let out a small chuckle and closed her eyes.

 

“Of course, how silly of me,” she said and opened her eyes again. “Thank you.”

 

It was as far from simple a 'thankyou' could get and Kara struggled with her inner battle between right and wrong. This, what she was doing right now, was obviously wrong. She shouldn't encourage Lena. But whenever the brunette was around, Mike’s existence always sank into oblivion.

 

Snippets of conversations from earlier cafe visits flashed through Kara’s mind and when she thought about it, _really_ thought about it, she realized she had actually been encouraging Lena all along. First of all, she had tried to jumpstart their friendship by offering to buy her coffee, and she had admired her long before that. She couldn't even remember all the times she’d complimented her without thinking twice about it, it had just come naturally. Not only complimenting her appearance, of course, although most people would agree that Lena was a beautiful woman. A beautiful woman that was somehow standing very close now, Kara noticed, and then soft lips were suddenly pressing gently against her own.

 

Lena’s, it was Lena’s lips. Lena was kissing her and she was kissing Lena and it shouldn't feel good, it wasn't right, and Mike, Mike...

 

Kara abruptly pulled back.

 

“I'm not gay,” she blurted, to herself as much as to Lena, whose slightly dazed expression quickly sobered. “I’m sorry, I... I have a boyfriend.”

 

Kara did her best to meet Lena’s gaze – she owed her that, at least – but it proved difficult. The guilt was eating at her, she had allowed this to go way too far. She expected anger from Lena, expected harsh words, to be berated, and perhaps even slapped across the face. She thought there might possibly be tears, of another kind than those unshed ones from before, but what happened was none of that. It was worse.

 

Wide, bright eyes grew dull as the spark in them died, leaving Lena's gaze empty and cold. Slowly, she looked away. Kara found it unbearable. _She_ had done this to her and there were no excuses. Kara was so confused about all of this, the why's and how's and sudden mess of emotions, and she hadn’t been prepared. She hadn’t been ready. But there were no excuses. None.

 

“I'm sorry,” she tried, but Lena swiftly turned around, the jewellery box clutched tightly in her hand as she walked away. “Lena, wait. Lena!”

 

Lena didn't wait and neither did she look back.

 

“Please...”

 

Kara found herself unable to move and her plea was hardly more than a whisper. Was she supposed to run after the brunette? Make things right? But how could she? She had fucked up big time. It was probably best to leave Lena alone, at least for a while.

 

Alex then showed up in the doorway and threw Kara a questioning look.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Uh, nothing,” Kara said evasively, the tip of her tongue betraying her as it darted out to moisten her lips at the thought of what actually _had_ happened.

 

“Kara, your lipstick is smudged,” Alex pointed out knowingly.

 

“I don't wear lipst-“

 

She didn't finish the sentence, realizing she had been found out, and instead shut her eyes and sighed deeply.

 

“It was a misunderstanding, okay?” she explained and tried to shrug it off. “I made a mistake. Did she leave?”

 

“Kara! What’s going on? Yes, she left, and she didn't even bother to bring her coffee.”

 

Kara ducked her head guiltily.

 

“I screwed up,” she mumbled, and Alex’s eyes flashed with realization as she understood exactly how her colleague had screwed up.

 

“ _No_ ,” she said, disappointment and disapproval entering her voice. “You gave her the earrings, didn't you?”

 

“I didn't think it would have such an impact on her!” Kara tried to explain, no, _excuse_ her mistake. “I didn't know she would... That she would...”

 

Kiss her.

 

“For God’s sake, Kara! I didn't tell you about her interest in you just so you could mess around with her feelings. Don't take your issues with Mike out on her, she has nothing to do with that.”

 

“I never intended-” Kara began to defend herself, but stopped abruptly.

 

What if she was? Taking her issues with Mike out on Lena. What if she was just using Lena as an excuse to escape her irritating boyfriend? But what exactly was she trying to accomplish, then? Let’s say, potentially, that Lena loved her as much as Mike. Would Kara leave him for her? Because she was prettier, wealthier, more successful, and had better manners? That would be the height of superficiality, wouldn't it... She could never be with Lena for only those reasons, it wouldn’t be fair to her. Heck, Kara wasn’t even interested in women!

 

Right? She wasn't.

 

Or was she?! Or maybe Lena was that one and only exception?

 

“Oh God, my life is such a mess right now,” she groaned, and Alex’s stern expression softened a little. “When you told me about Lena and the way she looks at me, I started thinking, and I guess it stirred some shit up.”

 

“You guess, huh? You have to talk to her,” Alex declared. “If she'll even come back here.”

 

* * *

 

“ _I'm not gay,” Kara had kept repeating to herself that day, feeling slightly more insincere each time. She’d went over to Mike’s for some half-desperate and very unsatisfying sex and walked home at three in the morning, feeling dirty and regretful. Mike had woken up to a phone call the next day, of Kara telling him it was over. That she couldn't be with him anymore. He had turned on her so quickly that she wondered if he had ever even loved her at all. Perhaps he had just liked that she was his._

 


	3. PART TWO - I'm Finally Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologizing and making up (out). Amongst other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO I HAD TO CHANGE THE TITLE. And chapter titles. It felt wrong to have the exact same as the original, I'm actually changing a lot more than I thought I would so this deserves its own titles. They are inspired by The Foghorn - Rainmode, which is one of my all time faves!
> 
> Since there's snow and cold they obviously don't live in California, nor in Kansas. What can I say, I love snow and this climate was good for the story :p I also used the address for the Luthor Mansion from Smallville but Lena's house is no secluded castle in this fic, just a fancy house in a fancy neighbourhood...in a smaller town/suburbs.

_*** * * PART TWO * * *** _

_**I'm Finally Home** _

 

_Lena had been back sooner than expected. Unfortunately Kara had already left for the day but Alex had still been working, something they were all grateful for. Especially in retrospective._

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Alex, what's up?”

 

“Kara, I...”

 

It wasn’t Alex. It was Lena. Lena, calling from Alex’s phone, her frail voice leading Kara's mind to jump to the worst possible scenarios. Because of the way they had parted, Kara was sure that the brunette wouldn't call unless she had a really good reason.

 

“Lena?”

 

“Yes,” Lena breathed out. “I need... I need you to promise not to ask any questions.”

 

Kara’s worry skyrocketed. What had happened?

 

“Okay,” she agreed, confused but determined to make up for the pain she had caused the other woman before.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Kara fought the impulse to ask what was wrong, but also how she could help and what Lena wanted her to do. She could sense that the brunette was gathering her courage on the other end of the line and didn't want to interrupt.

 

“The cafe is about to close and I don't know where else to go,” Lena finally confessed, her voice laced with shame and embarrassment. “I know it's not ideal, especially not after our...what happened, but I was hoping that maybe you could... It’s rather cold outside and I don't really know your colleague.”

 

Kara took a moment to take in what Lena had just said. _“I don't know where else to go.”_ Her heart ached for the poor woman and she felt even more miserable for misleading her. _“It’s rather cold outside.”_ This was said in all seriousness and that scared Kara. It was freezing degrees and snow outside, so yeah, definitely cold.

 

“It’s okay, Lena. I don't understand what's going on right now but I'll help you out, okay? Do you want me to come pick you up?”

 

It was a question, but surely not one of those Lena didn't want to be asked. Quite the opposite, it appeared.

 

“I'd like that very much.”

 

“I'll be right over. Tell Alex I'm on my way.”

 

Fifteen minutes later Kara parked outside the cafe, the snow framing the building faintly glowing in the yellow street light. Small, light snowflakes were just starting to fall and join their friends on the ground when Kara unlocked the still lit up cafe and stepped over the threshold, immediately finding the two brunettes. Her stomach dropped.

 

“Hey,” she greeted tentatively, unable to tear her eyes off Lena.

 

“Hey, Kara!” Alex said with attempted cheerfulness, in contrast to the slumping figure next to her who regarded Kara with wary eyes. “I guess I’ll leave you two to it. You have your keys with you, right? Right, you unlocked the door.”

 

Alex appeared a bit awkward and quickly gathered her things and headed toward Kara, who stood rooted to the ground right inside the entrance. With a sympathetic smile toward Lena, Alex brought up her car keys.

 

“I hope you feel better soon, Lena.”

 

She received a small nod in response and then proceeded to walk past Kara, momentarily blocking the blonde’s line of sight and forcing her to stop staring at Lena and instead look her co-worker in the eye. Alex's gaze was stern and Kara knew exactly what she was trying to convey with it. But Alex didn't have to worry. Kara wouldn’t make any more mistakes, she would apologize and try to fix what had went wrong. If Lena was up for that kind of talk tonight, that was. By the way she looked, Kara wasn’t sure.

 

Alex bid them goodnight and then she was gone, Kara and Lena left alone in the cafe. Lena stood and slowly made her way over to Kara, who's jaw tensed as she tried to keep from starting to interrogate the other woman. No questions, she got it now. Lena was clad in black sweatpants and a hoodie, her nose was read, eyes puffy, and her face uncharacteristically free of makeup. She had a small cut close to the outer corner of her right eye, surrounded by some fresh bruising, but it looked clean and taken care of, at least. Kara couldn’t stop her mind from racing, though. What had happened? Why didn't she have anywhere to go? Why wouldn't she explain?

 

Lena shifted uncomfortably under Kara’s scrutinizing gaze and averted her eyes, so Kara returned to the now and willed herself to stop staring. With a small gesture she pointed toward the street with her thumb.

 

“My car is just outside,” she said, carefully searching for Lena’s gaze again. “You ready to go?”

 

There was no coat in sight this time either and Kara was quite certain that was one of the things she shouldn't ask about. Lena didn’t meet her gaze but she gave a single nod.

 

“Yes.”

 

* * *

 

 _The ride back to the apartment had been a quiet affair. In fact, Lena hadn't said anything at all for the whole first hour, just nodded reluctantly when Kara asked if she was hungry. But when dinner was ready and they were both_ _seated_ _at Kara’s small kitchen table, the_ _dispirited_ _brunette had finally broken the silence._

 

* * *

 

“Thank you.”

 

Kara looked up from her bowl of spaghetti bolognese with surprise and hope in her eyes. Maybe Lena would finally talk? The raven-haired woman gazed down at her food and picked aimlessly at it for a moment.

 

“I guess you don't actually want me here so I greatly appreciate your hospitality,” she said then, without looking up.

 

“No!” Kara exclaimed, causing Lena to shrink back in her seat like a beaten dog.

 

Kara could’ve bitten her tongue.

 

“I mean, I don't mind having you here,” she mended, using a much gentler voice. “Not at all. Actually, I wanted to apologize. I haven't been fair to you. I'm sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you.”

 

Lena swallowed, eyes still focused on the food she had yet to taste, and Kara could see her jaw muscles work. Kara could also feel her own heart beating harder in her chest because it was now or never. She sucked in a breath and braced herself.

 

“Maybe it doesn't change anything, but I just want you to know that the only thing I regret that day, is pushing you away.”

 

She anxiously studied Lena’s reaction, not quite daring to hope for forgiveness. Maybe Lena would feel less hurt, at least, knowing that Kara _did_ in fact feel something too. Maybe it didn’t matter. To Lena, anyway. Kara had tried, she’d been honest, and she was actually proud of herself for it. She was being brave for once and it felt good. It felt right.

 

“So, what you said...” Lena began hesitantly, cautiously lifting her gaze to finally meet Kara’s.

 

“It was stupid,” Kara admitted. “I was scared. And confused. These past couple of weeks have been a mess and I'm sorry you got such a shitty deal there. But, um, I broke up with my boyfriend.”

 

Lena’s eyes widened at the confession, a streak of fear crossing them before a familiar look of hope took over. Then concern. Or was it guilt? Either way, she certainly looked conflicted.

 

“You...broke up with your boyfriend,” she repeated matter-of-factly.

 

“Yeah. He was an ass about it too so no regrets there. I don’t love him. I just never thought...there'd be more, you know? Not for me, anyway. God, I had such low standards.”

 

Kara blushed suddenly and decided it may be time to change the subject and start eating. It was definitely getting awkward. Too much talk about feelings.

 

“I mean, um, err,” she stuttered and stabbed her spaghetti with her fork a little more forcefully than strictly necessary. “You're not a vegetarian, are you?”

 

This drew a smirk from Lena, who raised a quizzical brow. She seemed considerably more confident now after Kara's faltering.

 

“Why?” she questioned, promptly taking her first bite of the – certainly not meat-less – food without breaking eye contact. “Because I like _women_?”

 

“Um, ah, no. I was thinking more like... It would’ve be a shame if you couldn't eat what I made,” Kara said awkwardly, hurrying to stuff her mouth with pasta and sauce to keep up with the other woman.

 

“Well, no need to worry,” Lena assured her. “The only food I don't eat is pineapple.”

 

“You don't like pineapple?”

 

“I’m allergic, actually.”

 

“Oh, wow. I've never heard of anyone allergic to pineapple before,” Kara said, relaxing a bit and appreciating the casual tone the conversation had taken on.

 

“It’s not very common, no.”

 

This Lena, she knew. This Lena she preferred. Fairly confident, a bit flirty, _smiling_. The cut and bruises were still very apparent, as was the change in dressing style, but if Kara ignored all of that she could almost pretend that they were hanging out like regular friends. Well, not friends, exactly. It seemed as if Lena had forgiven her, at least somewhat, and they slowly inched their way back toward how things had been before that unfortunate kiss.

 

“Do you want to, um, watch a movie or something?” Kara asked once they were done with dinner, not sure how long Lena would want or need to stay. “It’s Friday, after all.”

 

Lena instantly tensed and got a haunted look in her eyes, one that hadn’t been there since they arrived at Kara’s apartment.

 

“I-I don't know,” she said uncertainly. “What time is it?”

 

“Just about nine,” Kara replied after a quick glance at her microwave. “Do you need to get going?”

 

Lena relaxed some but the haunted look prevailed.

 

“No,” she said after some hesitation. “Not yet. A movie sounds great.”

 

She smiled bravely and Kara had to fight very hard against her urges to ask all those questions she’d promised not to ask. Lena would tell her when she was ready. Probably. Maybe. Or would she? Kara forced herself back to the present and pushed her worries aside, right now she just needed to be a good friend and focus on making Lena feel better.

 

She turned on the TV to see if anything interesting was on and plopped down on the couch. _Friend_. It always came back to friends. But now was not the time to try to pursue anything further than that, Kara reminded herself. It _really_ wasn't. Was she even sure that she...? One glance at the Lena curled up at the other end of the couch removed all doubt. Yes, she was sure.

 

Kara’s heart clenched at the sight, though. Lena looked so small and vulnerable like this. So far away. Kara furrowed her brows, secretly disappointed over the distance between them.

 

“You okay over there?” she asked tentatively, trying to keep a light tone. “I don't bite.”

 

To her relief and joy Lena did actually respond with a small smile, but then she cast down her eyes and remained silent long enough to have Kara worried the joke had been a mistake.

 

“I mean, you don't have to answer,” she said anxiously, thinking this might be the type of questions she should avoid.

 

“I’m fine,” Lena assured her, the small smile back as she looked up again. “I'm just not used to... _this_.”

 

“The movie thing or...?” Kara wondered, not sure what Lena was referring to. “We could do something else if you want.”

 

“No, that’s alright. I just...”

 

Lena paused, embarrassed, and hesitated to continue. After a moment of silence she swallowed and averted her eyes.

 

“I don't really have friends,” she mumbled quietly.

 

It was all Kara could do not to jump across the couch and envelop the disheartened brunette in a bone-crushing hug. However, she couldn’t sit there with an endless space between them like some awkward idiot while Lena looked like a kicked puppy, so she determinedly scooted closer. Much closer. In fact, as close as she could without touching the other woman.

 

“You have me?” she said in a soft voice.

 

Lena slowly turned to face her, expression obscure and green eyes gazing intently into Kara’s own steel-blue ones.

 

“Do I?”

 

Kara blinked, not expecting that response.

 

“Of course,” she replied. “I definitely see you as my friend.”

 

“Friend,” Lena echoed contemplatively, as if trying out the word for the first time.

 

There was a shift of energy in the room and Kara tried to smile to ease the increasing tension – all this bloody talk about _friends_! – but found that she struggled even with this small gesture. They weren't supposed to... Now was not the time to... But Lena’s gaze was so intense, so full of want and hope and _trust_. Kara couldn't look away. When had she earned this trust? Had it been when she apologized before? Or when she came to pick Lena up at the cafe? Or just seconds ago when she declared she saw her as her friend? Or-

 

Kara’s racing mind stumbled to an abrupt stop when she felt the feather light touches of Lena’s fingers grazing her cheek. They left a burning sensation on her skin and she briefly closed her eyes as they travelled lower to trace her jawline down to her chin, as if luring her to come even closer. Which – she realized as her brain functions kicked in again – might be exactly what they were meant to do. Opening her eyes again, she couldn't resist the temptation anymore. Slowly, she leaned forward.

 

Then they were kissing. Tentatively at first, but they soon got braver, bolder. This time Kara didn't break it off. This time she was prepared and she knew that it was what she wanted. She wasn't in denial anymore. This was what she had been looking for all her life, this was what all her relationships so far had been lacking. This was... Right.

 

Lena’s hands found their way into her hair and Kara wondered why the hell she hadn’t done this sooner. She let her own hands roam Lena’s body, tentatively, carefully, as if the other woman was made of glass. Was she actually allowed to touch her like this?

 

After a while she found the hem of Lena’s hoodie and experimentally let her hands slip under the two layers of fabric to connect with the brunettes bare skin. Lena didn't wince. She simply untangled her own hands from the blonde mess they were currently in and put them over Kara’s to still them, not breaking their kiss. Never breaking the kiss. Who needed oxygen, anyway?

 

“Clothes on,” she mumbled breathily against Kara’s lips, keeping both of their hands steadily in place on her hips.

 

Kara completely understood why Lena wouldn't want to go any further right now. She wasn't even sure herself what was actually happening anymore and the situation they were in was indeed a tricky one. This certainly wasn’t what she had in mind when picking Lena up at the cafe. Therefore, the brunette’s next actions came as a surprise. With one hand finding its way over to Kara’s waist, Lena gently used her other to guide Kara’s fingers to her waistband **,** downward, and _oh_.

 

Kara had misunderstood.

 

Lena hadn’t rejected her advances. She simply wanted to keep her clothes on. Well, Kara could work with that. Not that she had ever been with a woman before, but surely Lena understood that and wouldn't expect anything spectacular. Or would she? Kara was to find out.

 

Something she did found out, pretty quickly, was that Lena panting and moaning in time with the thrusts of her hand were the sexiest sounds she’d ever heard. It gave her confidence, Lena was enjoying her efforts, and her own arousal was rapidly building despite the fact that she hadn’t even been touched in that aching spot between her legs yet. However, it wasn't long until her upper body was ridded of clothing and Lena started suckling on one of her hardened nipples, working the other with nimble fingers.

 

“Fuck,” Kara groaned and gripped futilely at Lena’s hoodie, their current rhythm momentarily disrupted.

 

She closed her eyes, savouring the sensation of Lena’s mouth on her breast and erratic puffs of warm breath against her skin.

 

* * *

 

 _Lena had been the first to come, arms wrapped around Kara and face burrowed into her shoulder as if trying to_ _merge_ _with her, to become one. Then she had slowly pushed Kara down onto the couch, pulled off her jeans and panties, and kissed lower and lower until it was Kara’s turn to gasp and writhe in pleasure._

 

* * *

 

 _Cold._ It was cold. Refusing to fully let go of sleep just yet, Kara snuggled closer to the warm body in her arms. _Better._ She was quickly slipping back into dream land but before she could reach it, her personal human heater shot up with a gasp.

 

“Kara. Kara, wake up.”

 

“I'm awake,” Kara groaned and sat up, a little slower than Lena, before noticing the state of the other woman. “Hey, what's wrong?”

 

“What time is it?” Lena asked urgently, panic in her eyes and fear written all over her features.

 

“Um, I'm not sure.”

 

Kara reached out for her glasses, she was almost certain she had put them on the coffee table before. _A-ha!_ She quickly put them on and picked up the remote to the TV still running quietly in the background. Opening the menu she realized they hadn't even gotten to the movie.

 

“Ten forty-five,” she said, even though Lena could obviously see for herself, too.

 

Lena was up in a heartbeat, pulling down her ridden up hoodie and running a hand through her ruffled hair.

 

“I-I need to go,” she declared, expression still anxious. “Are you...? I mean, can you give me a ride back? It’s okay if you don't but-”

 

“Of course!” Kara assured her, turning off the TV and starting to redress. “Where do you live?”

 

Lena tensed and seemed to struggle for a moment, carefully contemplating her answer.

 

“I’ll walk from the cafe, it's fine.”

 

“Lena, that's not...that's not fine,” Kara protested with a frown. “Come on, I'll drive you home, make sure you get there alright. It’s late.”

 

Lena worked her jaw, looking extremely conflicted, and after a while she sighed and squeezed her eyes shut. Then she swallowed hard.

 

“May I use the bathroom?” she said thickly, her eyes now on the floor.

 

“Yeah, sure, it's right next to the front door,” Kara replied, mildly confused.

 

She followed Lena with her gaze as the woman left the room, unable to shake the feeling that _she_ may have triggered the hasty retreat. But she simply couldn't let Lena walk through the cold winter night all alone, no matter how close to the cafe she lived. The mere suggestion was ridiculous! What kind of people did she live with, exactly? Why the secrecy? What was going on in her home, in her life outside the cafe visits? Kara didn't want to think about some of the possible answers to those questions.

 

She sighed as she finished buttoning her shirt and snatched her phone from the kitchen counter on the way to the hallway. No new notifications. She pulled on her warmest winter coat and pondered over what Lena would wear. Obviously Kara would have to lend her something, especially if she insisted on walking. That hoodie wasn’t nearly enough for mid February even on a sunny day, never mind a snowy night like this.

 

After checking the time Kara glanced toward the closed bathroom door. It was awfully quiet. She strained her ears but the only sounds she could make out were the ones of her own breathing and heart beating a little faster in her chest. Was Lena even in there? Well, yes, the door was locked.

 

The minutes ticked by.

 

Shifting her weight Kara decided she had waited long enough. Something was off.

 

“Lena?” she called tentatively. “It’s almost eleven now.”

 

Silence.

 

“Is everything alright?”

 

When more silence followed, Kara began to get seriously worried. All sorts of horrifying scenarios flashed through her mind and she stepped forward and knocked softly on the bathroom door.

 

“Lena? Please say something.”

 

The lock suddenly clicked. When nothing more happened Kara figured it would be okay to open the door. Her heart immediately sunk at the sight that met her. Lena’s eyes were red and puffy again and she was hugging herself tightly, gaze averted and cheeks poorly dried. Kara felt hopelessness creep upon herself. She wasn't sure how to comfort the other woman and if Lena’s current state had anything to do with what Kara had said before... Maybe she’d pushed too hard?

 

“Did I do or say anything wrong?” Kara wondered anxiously, but Lena shook her head.

 

“No,” she said, her voice strangled with unshed tears. “You didn't.”

 

Kara relaxed some and tentatively stepped into the small bathroom. She wanted to comfort her distressed friend but didn't want to make her feel cornered, so she sat down on the edge of the bathtub. That way they were close, but not too close, and at the same level rather than Kara towering over her. A moment passed in stillness, Kara patiently waiting for Lena to speak. She did, eventually.

 

“I just...” she faltered, still facing away from Kara. “I don't...”

 

She bit her lip, hard, as she struggled to prevent another bout of tears. Nevertheless they escaped and silently started to roll down her cheeks.

 

“I'm sorry,” she choked out.

 

Kara frowned at the apology.

 

“For what?”

 

“For this,” Lena said and sniffled. “Being like this. Dragging you into my mess.”

 

“But Lena,” Kara said softly, reaching out toward her and catching a couple of falling tears **.** “It’s okay. You don't have to apologize. And whatever mess you're in I'm here to help you, as much as I can. I wish you would tell me what's going on but I'm not gonna push you. I can wait. Just please tell me if there’s anything I can do, anything at all.”

 

While her words didn't seem to work any miracles on Lena’s mood, they did seem to calm her. She slowly turned her face toward Kara, uncertain eyes finally meeting soft, expectant ones, and self-consciously sniffled and wiped her cheeks. A moment passed without words being spoken. Kara kept gazing into those depths of chartreuse that wanted so much and revealed so little until Lena eventually looked away again, her voice a whisper so soft it was barely audible.

 

“I could use a hug.”

 

* * *

 

_The simple request had all but shredded Kara’s heart into actual pieces and she’d immediately gotten up from the bathtub edge. Looking Lena deep in the eyes with all the love she could convey she had ushered her to stand up too, and then she had wrapped her arms around her and kept them there for what had felt like eternity. Lena had clung onto her, head resting on her shoulder, and mumbled into Kara’s jacket, “I feel safe with you.”_

 

_Her choice of words had struck Kara as unusual, she had really hurt the woman mere days ago, but maybe she was just reading too much into it. After letting go of each other Kara had cautiously brought up Lena’s ride home again and with a nervous laugh the brunette had said she’d overreacted, no need to borrow any outerwear, dropping her off at her house was fine._

 

_The outside view of 2116 Beresford Road had left Kara wide-eyed and majorly impressed. Lena had tried to smile but obviously been anxious, and as they said goodbye in the car Kara had given her hand a comforting squeeze. They were in this together. It was going to be okay. Lena had gotten her number on a yellow post-it note._

 

* * *

 

“So, am I getting this right: first you had sex, then you hugged, and _then_ you gave her your number? Wow, that's, um... That's some backwards dating.”

 

Alex shook her head and Kara’s face glowed red like a stop light.

 

“I never said we had sex!” she hissed, earning a knowing look from her friend.

 

“It was implied.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

Alex smirked.

 

“Sure you do. But I don't really understand, Kara. You were so adamant about just being friends and then suddenly...this? Might I add that you weren't exactly on good terms with her by the time you picked her up? No judgement, but... What changed?”

 

Things had moved fast that night, Kara knew that. But she had been ready and it hadn't felt rushed.

 

“I guess I just needed some time to accept it,” she told Alex.

 

“It?”

 

“Well, myself. My feelings. I don't know why I found it so hard, but it was. I had to rethink my whole identity and it was scary and confusing. It still is, but at least I know what I want now.”

 

“Oh God, you’ve got it bad,” Alex laughed at Kara’s suddenly dreamy expression, but then she grew serious. “I'm sorry I said that thing about taking out your issues with Mike on her. I was obviously wrong.”

 

“Yeah,” Kara sighed, thinking about the nasty breakup. “But it’s okay, you were only trying to help. Trying to protect Lena. I appreciate that.”

 

Alex rolled her eyes, amused by the blonde’s obvious affection for the woman.

 

“Of course you do. But I was actually trying to protect you, too. Speaking of, did you talk at all about what kind of trouble she was in? She didn't want to tell me.”

 

“Oh. No, not really,” Kara said, suddenly distracted by those worrisome theories of hers.

 

Alex shrugged and the conversation died out as she turned her attention back to preparing sandwiches. In Kara’s mind, however, the thoughts kept circulating. Lena was a hunted criminal with a secret identity. Lena was a mental case who lived with caretakers and didn't want people to know. Lena was actually just super clumsy and extremely embarrassed about it.

 

No, it just kept getting more and more ridiculous. Maybe it was time for a Google search? But Kara couldn’t betray Lena’s trust like that. She would simply have to wait.

 

* * *

 

_She wished she hadn’t waited._

 

* * *

 

Monday arrived, the clock struck ten, and into the cafe waltzed Lena Luthor in a fancy red coat and unpractically high heels – _snowy_ , it was still _snowy_ – as if Friday night had never happened. Well, not quite. There's only so much you can do with makeup and the cut beside her eye hadn’t healed in only a couple of days. Alex was taking orders at the counter but Lena wasn’t headed that way. She had spotted Kara and was smiling toward her, eyes shining bright. A glimmer of silver dangling from her ears caught Kara’s attention and she squinted as the woman got closer.

 

“Hi,” Lena greeted, cheeks rosy from the freezing winter outside.

 

This was the woman Kara knew, the woman she admired, and the woman she lo- _liked_ a great deal. And. She was wearing the L-shaped earrings.

 

“Hi!”

 

Kara had her hands full of dirty dishes, hindering her from giving Lena a hug, and she quickly dismissed the idea of greeting her with a kiss, because _whoa_. That’d probably be too much too fast and, besides, there were too many people around. Damn dirty dishes!

 

“I'm just gonna put these away,” Kara said and began to inch toward the kitchen.

 

“Of course,” Lena said and stepped aside, making it easier for the blonde to pass her. “Wait! Um, maybe... I could...”

 

Kara turned back, brows furrowed at the suddenly faltering brunette.

 

“...come with you,” Lena finished.

 

“Yeah, sure,” Kara nodded, a tad confused. “I mean, _technically_ customers aren't allowed back there, but you’re, like... Special.”

 

The deeper meaning wasn’t lost on Lena, who’s eyes lit up with that familiar hopeful glow as a smile slowly spread across her face. Kara beamed back toward her but then forced herself to look away. She was working, she had work to do, work needed to be done. Focus.

 

“Come on,” she said and headed for the kitchen with Lena in tow, briefly meeting Alex’s eye as they passed the counter.

 

The short-haired brunette gave the tiniest smirk and then looked away as if nothing was out of the ordinary. But it _was_ , that soon became abundantly clear to Kara. The moment she turned around to face to Lena after discarding the dirty dishes, the other woman's lips were on hers. So, _okay_ _then_ , perhaps it wasn't too much too fast. Karasmiled into the kiss and slid her hands behind Lena’s back, welcoming the initiative. No one could see them there and no one would judge, interrupt, or otherwise bother them.

 

“Sorry,” Lena mumbled, pulling back and looking a little flushed.

 

“For what?” Kara questioned with a frown, keeping the brunette close and not letting her escape.

 

Lena shifted uncomfortably and Kara immediately loosened her grip on her, not wanting to provoke any adverse reactions. She had the driving-home-argument in fresh memory and didn't want to push too hard again.

 

“Well...” Lena started and bit her lip, rosy cheeks turning red. “I've been wanting to do that all weekend.”

 

“So have I,” Kara said intently, steel blue meeting green as she closed the distance between them again. “There's no need to apologize. I'm just glad you waited until we were alone, because, honestly, I'm not that comfortable with PDA and stuff. Especially not since we’re both... I mean... This is still new to me.”

 

She chuckled nervously and averted her gaze but Lena cupped her cheek and made their eyes meet again.

 

“It’s new to me, too, you know? In a way.”

 

Kara didn't know. She wouldn’t have thought it. Lena was, as Alex so aptly had named her, Ten a.m. On Mondays Lezzy. In what way was this new to her?

 

“It is?”

 

“Yes,” Lena said steadily. Then – as if she was afraid Kara might get second thoughts – she hurriedly added: “But it’s a good new. It’s all good.”

 

She put on a bright smile but her eyes gave her insecurity away. Kara met the smile with one of her own, warm and reassuring.

 

“Definitely,” she agreed and leaned in for another kiss.

 

It was sweet and tender, not laced with the same urgency as the previous one, and when they broke apart they were both still smiling. Lena was practically glowing, Kara noticed, excitement sparkling in her bright eyes.

 

“Let's go somewhere,” she said suddenly, and Kara’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

 

“Now?!”

 

“No,” Lena laughed lightly. “Maybe...maybe this weekend? If you're free, of course. And if you want to.”

 

“I'd love to! I'm scheduled for Sunday morning but as long as I don't get more work there's plenty of time to-”

 

“Kara! TABLES!” Alex called from the counter, sounding only a _tad_ desperate.

 

“Right, _work_ ,” Kara remembered. “Guess we'll have to continue planning this, um, this _date_ of ours later.”

 

“Indeed,” Lena agreed and stepped back, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles in her coat. “I better go order my coffee. And take this thing off, it's not really meant for indoor use.”

 

“Yeah, you look pretty hot. Warm! I meant to say warm,” Kara backpedalled, cheeks rapidly turning crimson. “Not that you're not, uh... Hot.”

 

A small smirk was playing on Lena’s lips as she replied.

 

“Thank you.”

 

If things were any awkward – and they were – they both ignored it. It didn't matter. They were really doing this and Kara couldn't have been more thrilled about it.

 


	4. PART THREE - My Disguise Is Worn Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is perfect, too perfect, until it's really awful. The truth hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a looong chapter and I needed to completely rewrite a big chunk of it, so it took some time. Lena deserved and needed her own backstory, which - much like Kara's - is rather tragic. But even canon Kara and Lena have the worst backstories and this is supposed to be angst, so meh xD I hope you like this take on it, Lena is very broken here and it pains me. (Make no mistake though, I love Rahul and I'm excited to see him on Supergirl, despite his villain role!)
> 
> As people are saying on Twitter right now actually, Kara is very intelligent. Here it takes the form of a good memory, in case anyone thought that was a bit unrealistic. I don't think it is, I personally memorise a lot of details when I have a crush on someone ;)
> 
> Not in the chapter but I lowkey headcanon the Luthors living in Minneapolis (bc it's similar to Metropolis) and Lena moving to a smaller town later.
> 
> Thanks to Sam who read through this chapter after I changed so much ^^' I hope not too many spelling mistakes slipped through! I did some research but religion isn't my strong suit. I hope you can overlook eventual inaccuracies. 
> 
> OBS OBS I'm not saying religion is bad, what is bad is when people use it to justify and commit crimes okay??
> 
> Oh, and also, pineapple.

***** PART THREE *****

**My Disguise Is Worn Out**

 

“So, where do you want to go?”

 

“Anywhere, as long as it's with you.”

 

* * *

 

 _They had gone on a road trip in Kara’s car and the weather had been surprisingly good for the season. Lena had been happy and carefree, making it easy for Kara to forget her questions and worries regarding the other woman. Everything had just seemed...perfect. Too perfect. Good things like this just didn't happen to Kara Danvers. But she'd chosen to believe for a few days, chosen to believe that maybe this could be her life now. Perhaps she was worth this life_ _._

 

* * *

 

“A Siciliana and a Hawaiian with extra bacon,” Kara ordered, her eyes widening a moment later when she recalled a certain conversation. “Wait!”

 

She held her cell phone away from her and whipped around to face Lena who arched a questioning brow.

 

“Um, how allergic are you, exactly?”

 

“Oh,” Lena said, her face lighting up with a bright smile. “You remembered!”

 

“Well, barely,” Kara said with an embarrassed look and habitually adjusted her glasses. ”I hope you would've stopped me if I hadn't!”

 

Lena laughed softly at the concerned blonde.

 

“Don't worry, as long as I don't eat it I'm fine.”

 

“And, hypothetically, if I ate it and then...I dunno, _kissed_ you-”

 

“I'll be fine, Kara,” Lena smirked.

 

“Okay, okay, just making sure,” Kara said innocently and brought her phone back to her ear. “Yeah, no, that's all.”

 

They were at Kara’s apartment again and Lena was much more open and relaxed than she'd been the previous time. At least until her cell phone rang, that was like turning a switch. They were sitting close enough for Kara to feel Lena freeze up and had she paid even closer attention she would've noticed that the other woman momentarily stopped breathing, as well. A few seconds passed with neither of them moving.

 

“Um,” Kara started but that was all it took to bring Lena into action, the brunette suddenly scrambling to her feet and snatching the ringing phone from her purse.

 

“I gotta take this,” she said without even looking at the screen, already halfway out of the room.

 

“Sure,” Kara replied casually, but inside her heart was sinking.

 

Of course the illusion couldn't last forever. Who had she been trying to fool? Sighing wistfully she paused the movie they were watching. There was still something going on with Lena.

 

Two Hawaiian pizza slices – the last ones – and half a glass of wine later, Lena returned. Kara smiled tentatively toward the brunette who let out a relieved breath and smiled back as she sat down beside Kara again.

 

“All good?” Kara wondered.

 

Lena faced the TV and let her head rest on Kara’s shoulder.

 

“Yes,” she said and snuggled closer. “It is now.”

 

Kara decided to be content with that answer.

 

And for the remainder of the movie, it was. Good. But it didn't last. Lena was supposed to be staying the night and when they were getting ready for bed it was obvious that she didn't feel comfortable with the arrangement. Kara wasn’t sure how to address it, or how to feel about it, but she needed to say something.

 

“You don't _have_ stay over,” she blurted unceremoniously and watched Lena’s head snap around.

 

“What?”

 

“Right, that came out a bit blunt. It's just... Are you sure you're okay?”

 

“I'm fine!” Lena claimed, none too convincing. “But I must admit that I haven't really dated anyone in a long time. And I... I'm not, um... I'll go change in the other room.”

 

She quickly stood from Kara's bed and grabbed her bag on her way out, leaving a confused Kara behind. But the confusion lasted for all of five seconds.

 

“I'm an idiot,” Kara mumbled to herself.

 

If Lena wanted to keep her clothes on during sex, of course she wouldn't want to change right in front of her. Satisfied with the explanation Kara discarded her day clothes and jumped into her pajamas. She folded her clothes without hurry and put them on a chair, then picked up her phone to have something to do while waiting for Lena.

 

“Kara?”

 

Lena stood in the doorway, also pajama-clad and still looking uncomfortable as she fidgeted with a small, purple plastic box she was holding in her hands. Kara flashed her a reassuring smile in hope it would make her feel better about the situation. She wasn't sure what else she could do.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I, um,” Lena began and made a vague gesture with the box. “I need to wear this. Are you a light sleeper?”

 

“No, not particularly, ” Kara replied, trying to hide her confusion.

 

Lena squared her shoulders and lift her chin as she walked over to the bed.

 

“Good,” she said and put the box on the nightstand. When she noticed that Kara hadn’t moved she offered a small explanation. “It's a mouth guard. I'll wait to put it in until we’re actually going to sleep because I can't really talk while wearing it.”

 

The corner of her mouth turned upward ever so slightly and Kara felt relief wash over her. Humour. Humour was good.

 

“Right, _talk_ , huh?” she joked back as she rounded the bed and walked up to Lena. “ _Loads_ of talking...”

 

Suddenly hesitant she stood awkwardly in front of Lena. She didn't want to trigger any adverse reactions by entering the other woman's intimate space uninvited and so she waited for her to reach out, to take the initiative. But Lena didn't reach out, she just looked at Kara with those beautiful, beautiful eyes and Kara couldn't look away. There was something there, something important hiding just below the surface. Lena swallowed.

 

“I already brushed my teeth,” she said, and just like that, the moment was gone.

 

Kara slowly let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Would she ever get to know what was going on?

 

* * *

 

_She did, but not that night. When she had returned to the bedroom after brushing her teeth Lena had already been ready to put the mouth guard in. She had asked Kara to just hold her, and Kara had done exactly that._

 

* * *

 

It was early, way too early to get up. Kara sighed tiredly. Being used to begin work early in the morning had its pros and cons, but waking up at seven on a Sunday morning she was _free_ was certainly not one of the pros.

 

She looked to her right and smiled at the sight of the woman sprawled over the other half of the queen-size bed. All in all, things had ended on good terms the night before and Lena looked serene as she slept. Kara could’ve watched her beautiful face all morning but that would’ve been kinda creepy, wouldn't it? It wasn't quite right.

 

She let her gaze drop to Lena's shoulder instead, trail along her arm down to her elbow, up toward her hand...and stopped as her blood ran cold.

 

Lena’s silk sleeve had ridden up and on the exposed skin Kara could see fading bruises. She tried to tell herself it could be innocent bruises, it didn't have to be as she feared. It _didn't_. Without any sudden movements she fetched her glasses from the nightstand and put them on. The purple and yellow discolorations of Lena’s pale skin didn't look better in HD. Kara’s hand trembled slightly as she reached out and tentatively placed it on Lena’s forearm. When Lena didn't move, Kara slowly began to push her sleeve up further, wary of any sign of the brunette waking up.

 

She almost regretted doing it. This clearly wasn’t right and she definitely didn't like what she discovered. There were more bruises, some of them looking pretty new, and a couple of scratches that possibly could've been from a cat if Kara used her imagination. But what really made her heart clench and blood boil were the unmistakable crescent-shaped nail marks she also found there. No cat had made those marks.

 

“That vicious creature!” Kara hissed under her breath and suddenly felt a strong urge to punch someone – the person who did this, preferably – in the face.

 

Then Lena stirred and Kara swiftly pulled the sleeve down and rolled over, terrified that she might’ve gotten caught. She slipped her glasses off and snuck them under her pillow, waiting anxiously with her heart pounding like a metronome on crack inside her ribcage. Things were quiet for a moment and then there was movement behind her back.

 

It took all of Kara’s self-control to keep still as Lena placed a kiss on her neck and snaked an arm around her waist. Kara couldn't help to let out a sigh of relief. Lena hadn’t noticed. There was one problem with that, though, because it meant Kara would have to be the one to bring it up. She didn't want to but _God,_ she had to.

 

Trying to maintain a neutral expression she slowly turned in Lena’s embrace, but what met her wiped all sensible thoughts from her mind. Lena was smiling toward her, eyes sparkling and not a trace of insecurity in them. It was the kind of smile that left Kara breathless and made her heart sing sappy ballads about declarations of undying love. She couldn't help to smile back. Lena seemed to be fine right now so maybe they didn't have to ruin this moment. Just not yet.

 

“Goog mowning, shunshine,” Lena said around her mouth guard and Kara giggled in response.

 

“Morning, beautiful,” she replied with a beaming smile, happy with her decision to save the serious talk for later.

 

She leaned forward to give Lena a peck on the mouth, a peck that quickly turned into something else entirely. It was a bit awkward, though, and laughing softly Lena broke the kiss to take the mouth guard out.

 

“Eww,” Kara teased, chastising herself as she saw the familiar flash of anxiousness in Lena’s eyes.

 

She never learned.

 

“Sorry, I'm just kidding,” she said and gave Lena a chaste kiss before taking the mouth guard from her and placing it on her own nightstand. Turning back, she smirked. “It’s not like I'm bothered by your saliva.”

 

Lena rolled her eyes before reclaiming Kara’s lips as if nothing had happened.

 

* * *

 

 _They had done more than kissing that morning and hadn't left bed until closer to noon. After taking turns in the shower – with Kara wondering if Lena had bruises in other places too – Lena had offered to make breakfast, stating that pizza leftovers weren't a suitable first meal of the day. Not that Kara had argued, omelet with spinach and_ _feta_ _was nice, too. Very nice, actually. It had all been so...nice._

 

 _In the end, no questions had been asked. Kara had dropped Lena off by her house on her way to an afternoon shift at the cafe without looking back. Eve had noticed that something was_ _gnawing_ _at her colleague but Kara had only given vague answers, not feeling comfortable enough with the other blonde to share her suspicions with her. The next day, however, Lena’s lack of presence had prompted her to speak to Alex about it._

 

* * *

 

“She's still not here.”

 

Alex sighed at Kara’s frantic worrying but furrowed her brows in concern nonetheless. The days Lena did show up, she was almost always on time.

 

“What if something’s happened to her?” Kara said and checked the time for the hundredth time in the last hour and a half. “It's eleven thirty! You have to agree this isn't normal.”

 

“Okay, it's not normal,” Alex agreed. “But there could be a million reasons to why she's late. Or not coming. Maybe she had other plans today?”

 

Kara gave her a dark look.

 

“Yeah, I know she has her routine. I'm just saying,” Alex tried to reason with her. “Why don't you just call her and ask?”

 

“I don't have her number!”

 

“Wait. You don't?” Alex said incredulously. “I thought you said you gave her your number, like, two weeks ago?”

 

“Oh, yeah, I did. But, um, she hasn’t called me yet. We see each other regularly anyway so there has been no need for calls.”

 

Alex narrowed her eyes skeptically and put a tentative hand on Kara’s arm. She had a feeling that the blonde cared more about this than she let on.

 

“I don't want to be _that_ person but that sounds a bit odd, considering you’ve been seeing each other...romantically?” she said with only a hint of question in her voice, knowing enough of the details to be fairly sure. “And that time you came and picked her up, have you talked about that yet?”

 

Kara knew in her heart something was wrong and she had seen proof of it with her own two eyes the previous morning. But was she ready to tell Alex? She decided that she'd tell her either way and took a deep breath.

 

“Don't freak out, okay?” she began in a hushed voice. “I think she's... I think someone's...hurting her.”

 

“Hurting her how?” Alex said cautiously, glancing around the cafe to make sure no one was overhearing them.

 

“Have you ever thought about how she always wears clothes that cover most of her skin? Long sleeves, scarves, things like that?”

 

“Well, it's winter...”

 

Kara firmly shook her head.

 

“No. I saw bruises yesterday. And marks that definitely were from...fingernails,” she struggled to say, and swallowed thickly. “She doesn't know that I saw. I didn't bring it up.”

 

“Oh Kara,” Alex said and enveloped her friend in a comforting hug.

 

“Maybe now you understand why I'm worried,” Kara mumbled.

 

“God, yeah, I do. But let's not jump to conclusions. Do you know anything about her, like, where she lives or her birth date or anything?”

 

“You think I should search for her number online?”

 

Kara didn't need to hear Alex's answer, she knew this was exactly what she should do.

 

She ignored the small voice in her head admonishing her about invasion of privacy and when the lunch rush of customers was over she took a short break to search for Lena’s number. She found a site and put in Lena’s name, then went to narrow the search down by state. But...

 

Kara frowned at the screen. There was no Lena Luthor in Minnesota.

 

Alarm bells rang in Kara’s mind but she stubbornly ignored them. Instead, she tried to recall the street name. Berford? Beresford? Yes, that was it. The street number was trickier but she willed her mind to focus, to reach back in her memory. She knew she could give people a whimsical impression at times but truth was, she was actually very organized and self-aware and had an excellent memory.

 

2116 suddenly popped into her mind. That had to be it.

 

Kara put the address in the search field but frowned deeply at the result. Maybe she remembered wrong, after all. Maybe there were more than one Lena living in that neighbourhood.

 

With a growing sense of despair she double-checked the address, using the street view on Google Maps. She immediately recognized the house. It was the right one. It was the right address. But it was the wrong name.

 

Spheer.

 

Jack and Lena. Spheer.

 

Kara swallowed and swallowed. Figures. Too good to be true. Of course. Things suddenly made sense. It all made so damn much sense. Why Lena had seemed so interested in Kara’s boring life and always steered the conversations in that direction. Her hesitance to reveal her address. Why she had insisted they stayed at Kara’s place despite them both knowing that Lena’s house was much nicer.

 

What Kara didn't understand was why Lena had initiated a romantic relationship with her. Because it was essentially Lena who had initiated it. Sure, Kara had subconsciously been flirting back and the earrings had been a bit too much for their early stage of friendship, but _Lena_ had kissed _her_. Lena was the one who had first crossed the line between friendship and romance.

 

Why? Because her husband was a dick? Or because he had one? But then why be with him in the first place? If he even was her husband. Kara felt a spark of hope ignite within her. Maybe it was her brother? Her father? Her cousin? No that didn’t make sense, why would she live with any of those?

 

Google, she needed Google.

 

…

 

Scratch that.

 

She hated Google. She hated that she hadn’t done this research earlier. She hated herself for not being brave enough to ask about the bruises despite the feeling that something had been amiss all winter. She just...fuck!

 

“How's it going?” Alex asked as she passed by on her way to the kitchen. “Any luck?”

 

Kara didn't answer. She just stared blankly at the photograph of Lena on the arm of this... _man_. They were both immaculately dressed, a dress and a suit respectively, and smiling toward the camera. Polished, professional smiles. Kara gagged a little at the caption _“CEO Jack Spheer with wife.”_ The wife part – and impressive diamond rock on her finger – aside, she had a name? It was Lena? And she was supposed to be a businesswoman herself but Kara wasn’t so sure anymore. What else had Lena been lying about?

 

Kara was suddenly so mad at her for lying, and at herself for not realizing it. There had been plenty of warning signs. How could she have missed them? Had she wanted to believe the lies so badly it had blinded her? Lena Luthor she knew, but Lena Spheer? It pained Kara to think that she might not know the real Lena at all. What was true and what was not? How could she tell? And more importantly right now, what was she going to do?

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Kara looked up from her phone and saw Alex’s questioning expression turn into concern.

 

“Did you call her? Is something wrong?”

 

“She has a husband,” Kara croaked, still struggling to wrap her head around it. “All this time, she's been keeping that from me.”

 

“Whoa, wait. What? How do you know?”

 

Kara showed her the picture.

 

“She and that bastard both live on the same address and have the same last name. It can't get more obvious than that.”

 

“Crap.”

 

“Crap, indeed.”

 

A moment of silence followed. Neither woman knew what to say.

 

“Is it possible they’re in the process of divorcing but that it hasn’t gone through yet?” Alex asked carefully, trying to find anything that would make this less wrong.

 

Kara hadn’t thought of that but she doubted it.

 

“Well, in that case she should’ve just been honest about it,” she said frustratedly, her heart getting heavier by the minute. “I guess I'll have to pay her a visit after work.”

 

“Yeah, this calls for a discussion face to face,” Alex agreed and put her arm around her friend’s shoulder and squeezed them slightly. “I'm so sorry, Kara. Finding out this way must be hard, as well. If you need a moment I think I'll manage on my own for a little while longer.”

 

“Thanks, but I'd rather keep busy, actually.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Alex nodded as they walked back out to the seating area. “Whatever you need.”

 

Answers. Kara needed answers. To hell with no questions! That deal was officially _off_.

 

When she was done with work for the day she drove straight to Beresford Road and stomped up to the door with clenched fists. She rang the doorbell and braced herself in case the Jack dude would be the one to answer the door. Who knew how he would react? She probably shouldn't mess with him.

 

Some time passed and Kara restlessly shifted her weight. Was anyone even home? Maybe they were at work. She pressed the doorbell again and glanced around a bit. No car in sight but it would logically be parked in the garage, she thought. Then the lock clicked and the door opened just a crack. Lena’s anxious voice filtered through.

 

“Kara, what are you doing here?”

 

“We need to talk,” Kara asserted, peering inside trying to get a glimpse of Lena.

 

“You can't be here. I'll...I'll call you.”

 

“No, Lena, I want to talk _now_. Please open the door.”

 

“Kara, you don't understand. You have to go.”

 

“You're right, I don’t understand. So maybe you could explain? I’d very much like the truth, for once.”

 

It was harsh but Kara was honestly pissed off. She deserved an explanation. She deserved the truth. Lena grew silent and Kara waited for the door to open further. It didn't.

 

“Lena, this is ridiculous! Why won't you let me inside?” Kara said with growing frustration. “I can’t even see you. Why are you hiding?”

 

“Please, just go,” Lena pleaded. “There's no time...”

 

“Time for what?” Kara asked confusedly, her frustration now accompanied by worry. “To talk? If you’re busy that's fine, but I'm getting all sorts of bad vibes from this. Can't you at least let me see you? It feels weird talking through the door like this.”

 

“No,” came Lena’s simple response. “I'll call you.”

 

Then the door closed and Kara couldn't believe her eyes. She determinedly rang the doorbell again. Sure, a no was a no and she would leave, but she had one final thing to say first. She clenched her fists and ground her teeth as she waited. She would rather not have to do this but Lena left her no choice.

 

“Lena?”

 

The door opened again, although even less than before.

 

“Go away, Kara.”

 

“This isn't some joke!” Kara said exasperatedly. “I surely would be much happier if your secret was being an alien or something equally ridiculous, but it’s not. This is serious. I know about your husband. You don’t want to talk right now? Fine! Then we’re done. You and I, are over.”

 

A beat. Two. Kara swallowed. Last chance to save this, she thought. If Lena would just open the door so they could talk.

 

Sadly, the door stayed in place and Lena stayed quiet.

 

“Goodbye, Lena,” Kara said dejectedly and turned around with a shattered heart and a lump in her throat.

 

She started to walk away with heavy feet and strained her ears for any sign of Lena wanting to stop her retreat. Was this really the end? She couldn't believe it. Didn't want to. And the bruises? She couldn’t just ignore them. But what was she supposed to do? Where was she supposed to go from here?

 

“Kara, wait!”

 

She almost threw herself back at the door, clinging to her last shred of hope that there was still a chance they could fix this.

 

“Yes?”

 

“You can come in but we'll have to make it quick. He could be back from work any minute and if he sees you here...”

 

“Oh,” Kara finally understood. “Yeah, of cour-“

 

She swallowed the rest of the word upon entering the hallway and taking in Lena’s appearance. She was still – or already – in her pajamas and had some serious bruising on her face, along with a significantly swollen bottom lip.

 

“Oh my God! What happened to you?” Kara exclaimed, her eyes wide with horror. “Are you okay? I mean, clearly you're not, but, like-”

 

“I'm fine,” Lena tried to brush it off as she closed the door behind the blonde but Kara didn't let herself be fooled so easily.

 

“Lena, have you seen yourself?!”

 

“ _Fine_ ,” Lena sighed. “I'm not...fine.”

 

“So...?” Kara prompted her to elaborate. “What happened?”

 

Lena shifted uncomfortably, not meeting Kara’s gaze, and Kara noticed the way her fingers seemingly subconsciously fidgeted with that stupid diamond ring of hers. Lena had never worn it in Kara’s presence before so Kara wasn’t sure if this was simply a nervous habit or a hint.

 

“I fell down the stairs,” Lena mumbled, and Kara’s eyes grew wide again.

 

“Oh God _._ How do you feel? You didn't break anything, did you?”

 

She scrutinized Lena from head to toe, her hands flying out to ghost the other woman's skin, but she couldn't find anything that would suggest that kind of trauma.

 

“No. It was just a few steps, really. I do have a minor concussion, though, and I feel like I've been run over by a truck.”

 

Lena attempted to smile but didn't succeed very well and Kara narrowed her eyes. If Lena had truly fallen down the stairs, then why did she look so guilty?

 

“So your husband had nothing to do with it?” she asked boldly, and the sudden panic in Lena’s eyes said it all.

 

“No, w-why would he?”

 

“For God’s sake, Lena, what did he do? I saw the bruises and marks on your arm yesterday. Why haven't you told me about him? It was him who’d done something to you that night I picked you up from the cafe, right? That’s why you didn't want me to ask any questions. And that other time-“

 

“Kara, please,” Lena said shakily, tears in her eyes and arms wrapped tightly around herself. “Stop.”

 

“No,” Kara stubbornly persisted. “Tell me. What did he do?”

 

“Nothing! He didn't... I don't...”

 

“Tell me. The truth.”

 

“I can't.”

 

“Goddammit!” Kara lost patience and raised her voice. “Just bloody tell me what happened!”

 

“I don't know,” Lena sobbed, having shrunk back at Kara’s sudden outburst. “I don't remember. One moment we were fighting and the next I was throwing up in the car. Which he wasn’t happy about, I’ll tell you that. I swear, I only know what he told me! Oh God, Kara, please. You need to leave before he comes home.”

 

Kara barely registered the tears that silently started to roll down her own cheeks. She was too focused on the distressed woman in front of her. Without a word she closed the small distance between them and wrapped her arms around Lena's hunched form, her touch gentle to avoid hurting the woman's already battered body. Lena resisted at first, rigid and shivering, but then relaxed into the embrace and put her own arms around Kara’s waist as she cried onto her shoulder.

 

“It’s gonna be okay,” Kara soothed, her anger having dissipated seeing Lena in this state. “I'll go now and then we'll figure this out. Okay?”

 

Lena was still considerably agitated and merely nodded in response. She let go of Kara, who reluctantly took a couple of steps toward the door without breaking eye contact.

 

“I guess I'll see you, then?”

 

Lena nodded again.

 

“He keeps track of my calls, and apparently also my location, so if we can decide when and where to meet before you go that would be great,” she said plainly, as if stating the weather. “I’d have to leave my phone behind and just pray he doesn't call me while I’m out.”

 

“Lena, that is...”

 

Kara was at a loss for words.

 

“I know,” Lena sighed, hopelessness in her eyes. “I know... He keeps track of everything I do. I have to ask for money when I need it and God forbid if the sums don't matching up.”

 

The naked wallet. The receipts, which she always wanted even though she had the same coffee every time and paid in cash. The pizzas, which Kara had offered to pay for with little resistance from Lena. She opened her mouth to comment on it but Lena put a silencing finger against Kara’s parted lips.

 

“Not now,” she admonished and retracted her hand.

 

“Lena...”

 

“When do you have time to meet?” Lena asked, ignoring Kara’s pitying tone. “Jack works a lot but very irregularly, and after yesterday it seems he doesn't want to tell me his hours anymore.”

 

Hearing Lena say his name sent a shiver down Kara’s spine. Nope, she didn't like it. Not one bit.

 

“I'm so sorry, Lena. I'm free, ah, let's see... Wednesday?”

 

“I usually have astronomy class on Wednesdays but I'd rather not show my face there as it is now. Perhaps we could meet at the local stables? There usually aren't a lot of people there until the afternoon and Jack knows I like to spend time there. He wouldn’t suspect anything, especially not if I bring my camera.”

 

“You don't have work?” Kara tentatively asked, dreading the answer.

 

As expected, Lena stiffened, caught. She swallowed noticeably and averted her gaze.

 

“I... No.”

 

Kara’s stomach dropped. She wasn't surprised but it still hurt to know that Lena had lied to her all this time. Heck, they had known each other for almost four months already.

 

“Well, the stables it is,” Kara said, managing to almost sound cheerful. ”I'm assuming it's the riding club up by the national park?”

 

“Yes,” Lena nodded confirmation, guilt still evident on her features. “At noon?”

 

“At noon,” Kara agreed.

 

* * *

 

 _She had been worried Lena wouldn't show up but her fear had thankfully been groundless. There had been so much to talk about now that Lena’s lies had been_ _discovered and they had taken a walk in the nearby forest._

 

* * *

 

”Do you ride?”

 

”No,” Lena said, a somewhat forlorn look on her face. ”I used to but...not anymore. I just really like it here, around the horses and out in nature. It reminds me of when I was little and my biggest problem was that I couldn't convince my mother that the horses needed me more than the priest.”

 

”The priest, huh?” Kara chuckled lightly.

 

”My family was extremely religious,” Lena explained gravely. ”Well, _is,_ but my father is dead, my mother is in prison, and my brother is committed indefinitely to one of the most high-security psychiatric hospitals in the country.”

 

Kara gulped and looked down at the frozen dirt path they were following.

 

”I'm sorry, that must be awful. I didn't know.”

 

”Of course you didn't,” Lena said calmly. ”How could you? I never told you.”

 

While this was true Kara still felt a bit bad for initially taking it so lightly. She should have been more thoughtful. They walked quietly side by side for a while, Kara throwing Lena a few occasional glances. She had just taken the edge of the worst bruises and one didn't have to look too hard to see the shape of them still underneath the makeup. But no one was really out there in the forest, there was little risk to bump into anyone. Lena then took a single deep breath and looked up at Kara once before directing her gaze straight forward as she began telling her story in more detail.

 

Her mother, Lillian, always favoured her brother, Lena said, her voice laced with defeat. No matter what Lena did or how well she succeeded, she just couldn't win her mother's affections. Not like Lex could. Her dad was more supportive and loving but...he was rarely home. They were a big name back then, the Luthors, quite successful and famous with Lena's dad working in politics. Always working. Lillian was a canon lawyer for a renowned Catholic church but she did all sorts of things for that church, basically everything she was allowed to. She wanted to do more but since women couldn't be ordained back then she put all her efforts into Lex's future instead.

 

Kara let her hand slip into Lena’s and gave it a comforting squeeze. She wanted to show her that she was listening and sympathizing with her. Squeezing back, Lena continued with her story.

 

She told Kara that she and Lex had been pretty close growing up, he had been her best friend, but as he got older and moved away to start his serious religious studies they lost contact. Lost their special bond. While his career progressed Lena wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life. Lillian diminished her self-esteem and invalidated her interests, such as engineering and astronomy, and Lena never really pursued a career in either. She helped out at the church, joined a book circle, volunteered for a few projects... Lionel, her father, left a considerate amount of money to his children and wife when he died so having an income wasn't a necessity at the time.

 

Lex took Lionel's death the hardest and withdrew from everyone. He became obsessed with God and sin, even more so than before. But Lillian didn't see a problem with it, she even encouraged him. That's what eventually got them into prison and an asylum, respectively. There were bloodshed and fatalities that couldn't be explained away.”

 

Kara listened, horrified. She'd always felt sad for not having her parents around but this made her rethink her wishes. Perhaps no family was still better than a crazy one.

 

”I'm so sorry, Lena.”

 

”I know.”

 

Lena gave her a faint smile and squeezed her hand again.

 

”What part does your husband play in all of this?” Kara asked tentatively, causing Lena to look away.

 

”Well, we actually met not long before that incident with my mother and brother. Jack was this tall, dark stranger, my knight in shining armour. He was very handsome and charismatic, and an atheist. It felt like coming home.”

 

Kara could understand this. It had been a somewhat similar experience with Mike, the first person who had really worshipped her. For a while. In his own way. She didn't want to think about it.

 

”Because of my Catholic upbringing, being anything but straight simply wasn't an option,” Lena told her, eyes on the ground. ”When I first started having feelings for girls I was devastated. I sought a way to cure it but the more I read, the more I realized it wasn't something that needed to be cured.”

 

Lena said that she eventually had made peace with it, her faith in God lost and restored and then questioned again in the process. She'd had a couple of flirts with girls in her late teens, at boarding school, but knew it could never lead anywhere. No one could ever know. Lillian would have disowned her and thrown her out on the street and she wasn't sure about her father, but didn't dare to risk anything.

 

When Lillian was imprisoned and Lex institutionalized, most of the family's money went to cover the legal bills. They didn't go down without a fight. So there Lena was, lonely, poor, and without hope, when Jack swooped in and offered her a place to stay and a shoulder to cry on. Naturally, they quickly grew close and when he asked Lena to marry him, she only briefly thought about what she would be missing out on. But part of her felt as if she owed it to him to say yes, after everything he'd done for her. Completely ridiculous, she knew that now, but at the time he hadn't reflected too much on it. Lena had never been taught how to stand up for herself or that she was worth anything. She had just accepted what she was offered and tried to be happy.

 

“And I was, for a while,” Lena admits, as if she still can't quite believe it. “I was happy. We were happy. He didn't pressure me into anything, he was fine with me just staying at home and getting back on my feet at my own pace. I don’t know if it counts as generosity when you have a bank account the size of a small island but he made sure I always had everything I wanted. He gave me a lot of presents, both jewellery, flowers and other material things, and then experiences like charters, a safari tour, spa treatments and whatnot. It would've felt ungrateful to complain.”

 

“But there was something to complain about?”

 

“Well, it all happened over a long period of time. The changes were subtle, I didn't pick up on them until they were quite obvious. Jack is very manipulative, I've learned, and he never actually wanted me to work. Every time I brought the subject up he would smoothly talk me out of it and make it seem like I wasn't ready yet. I believed him, for the longest time. He also started having opinions about who I saw and what I did. How I dressed. But it was so easy to just fall back into my usual role, the one my mother had trained me for so well.”

 

Hearing this and knowing where it was headed made Kara feel slightly queasy. And angry. She tried to understand.

 

“Why did you stay with him?”

 

Lena let out a melancholic sigh.

 

“For financial security and out of fear, mostly,” she said bluntly. “He made sure I don't get anything in case of a divorce.”

 

“Ugh,” Kara grimaced. “I’ve always struggled financially, growing up in the system and all. It's fairly okay right now but I can't eat out more than a few times a month or I struggle to pay rent.”

 

“I'm sorry I couldn't pay for the pizzas. There were just too many reasons,” Lena said apologetically and started to list said reasons. “I didn't know we were going to order pizza so I didn't have enough money on me. A receipt for two pizzas would've been suspicious, especially in that part of town, considering we do have a great pizzeria in my own neighbourhood. And lastly, he would've noticed the lack of used pizza cartons in the trash.”

 

“Wow,” Kara said. “What does your mother think of all of this? If you till have any contact with her, I mean. She can't be in her right mind if she supports your relationship with him.”

 

“My mother never liked Jack. Since he didn't believe in God she would never approve of him and after she went to prison we had very little contact. I didn't want to see her. I thought about visiting once, quite early on, to tell her about my concerns regarding my relationship with Jack. But I was afraid of how she'd react, I didn't want an 'I told you so' and a tirade about non-believers. Besides, Jack had become rather jealous by then and I somehow twisted that into something positive. At least that meant he still loved me, I thought. I was such a fool.”

 

Lena hung her head.

 

“You were not a fool,” Kara protested. “I've read about this kind of stuff. It creeps up on you.”

 

“Yeah, well, it only got worse from there and now it has spiralled completely out of control,” Lena said, refusing to look at Kara. “I barely recognize the man I once married. I mean, he's still _nice,_ most of the time, and always when other people are around. But sometimes when we’re alone he just snaps and I’m suddenly not worth a dime. Anything can set him off. He makes the rules, he controls almost everything I do, and I can never refuse him anything.”

 

She made a brief pause, jaw muscles tensing.

 

“Including sex,” she then added quietly.

 

Kara stopped abruptly, making Lena do the same via their joined hands. She couldn't listen to this anymore, it was breaking her heart and making her feel ill.

 

“So basically he's abusing you verbally, physically, and sexually, am I getting that right?”

 

Lena faltered a little before replying, her eyes on the ground.

 

“W-well, I... I guess,” she stuttered.

 

Kara shut her eyes and took a deep breath. She needed to contain her anger and refrain from doing anything rash, because right now Jack’s head on a plate seemed like a good solution to their problems.

 

“Honestly, Lena, I don't want you to go back there. Not ever,” she asserted and drew Lena close. “I can't believe you let him do this to you.”

 

Lena took a step back and regarded Kara with a wary look.

 

“Are you saying this is my fault?”

 

“What?” Kara said cluelessly before her previous words registered with her. “Oh my God, no! Absolutely not. That’s not what I meant.”

 

She pulled Lena in for a soothing hug and saw a few tiny snowflakes slowly dance around them.

 

“I'm sorry,” she apologized for her tactlessness. “It came out wrong. I'm just upset.”

 

“For a moment I thought-” Lena began, her voice breaking.

 

“Thought what?”

 

Lena drew a shaky breath.

 

“That you were going to blame me, too.”

 

Kara felt a pang of guilt in her chest and hugged Lena a little tighter. While she didn't blame Lena for allowing the abuse to continue, she did wish she would've found the courage to leave him sooner.

 

“Who is blaming you?” she asked tentatively.

 

“The only person who knows. Well, except from you, now,” Lena replied. “ _He_ is.”

 

“Oh.”

 

She should’ve guessed. Of course he was. Lena then leaned out of their embrace and looked up the sky.

 

“It’s snowing,” she noticed, and Kara couldn't help to smile, despite everything.

 

“I know.”

 

Right there and then, amidst the evergreen trees and scattered snowdrifts in the silent snowfall, their problems suddenly seemed blissfully distant. Lena appeared to feel the same way because her voice was full of wonder when she spoke.

 

“It’s beautiful.”

 

“So are you,” Kara was quick to counter, admiring Lena’s profile.

 

Her sharp jawline, her dark hair. Her straight nose and high cheekbones. Her fair skin, currently tainted with the barely concealed evidence of Sunday's incident on the stairs. Lena let out a soft chuckle and turned her bruised face toward Kara.

 

“You think so?” she teased, but there was a sad tint to her words as she was fully aware of her current appearance.

 

“My very own Miss Universe,” Kara assured her and placed an affectionate kiss on her cheek. “It'll heal.”

 

“I suppose it will,” Lena sighed and rested her forehead against Kara’s. “I have a headache.”

 

Kara furrowed her brows in concern. Lena was supposed to be in bed resting that head of hers, not out on walks in the forest telling Kara her life story. But it had been necessary.

 

“We should get back, you need to rest,” Kara decided and pushed Lena’s raven hair back behind a reddening ear. “And no wonder you have a headache, you need to cover your ears! Be careful, or they might just freeze and fall off.”

 

Lena smiled sheepishly at Kara’s half-joking scold.

 

“Here,” Kara said and put her hat on Lena’s head, pulling it down properly over her cold ears.

 

“What about lice?” Lena asked, suppressing a smirk.

 

“Shush, you! I don't have lice.”

 

Lena laughed and started to walk back toward the stables, opting for a shortcut. Kara’s heart swelled and she decided that Lena’s laugh was her favourite sound in the world. She caught up to the brunette and took her hand, like before.

 

“Your hand is cold, too,” she pointed out.

 

“Well, so is yours,” Lena countered.

 

“We’re terrible winter people,” Kara declared, delighted when it drew another laugh from Lena. “I love your laugh.”

 

She hadn’t planned to say that, it just sort of fell out of her mouth, and she grew anxious when Lena didn't reply right away. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned it. Then her hand was gripped tighter and Lena's soft, affectionate eyes chased her worries away. Until Lena's next words.

 

“I love you.”

 


	5. PART FOUR - Just Hold On, For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if, what if, what if...?
> 
> It just wasn’t supposed to have ended with death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the final chapter! 99 subscriptions as well, wow :o 
> 
> There's not too much details about certain events but some description still, so if you're worried about triggers (or just have questions or anything) just message me on Twitter [@Idisch_von_Swe](https://twitter.com/Idisch_von_Swe) and I can recap for you :) But I think it'll be okay. Jack's being a creep early on in the chapter though. It was actually hard to write the first time, felt a little better with Rahul's face hahaha idk I love that man :')
> 
> I hope you will like the ending, or hate-like it xD

***** PART FOUR *****

**Just Hold On, For Me**

 

Lena loved her.

 

Kara hadn’t been prepared for such a declaration and fumbled speechlessly for words. Should she say it back? She couldn't. Not yet. Not now. She wanted to, she really did, but it was way too soon and there was still so much they hadn’t talked about. Months of lies couldn't be forgiven and forgotten just like that. She’d get there, she had no doubt about it, but she needed more than a few days. Lena must understand.

 

Why had she said it now?

 

Kara felt bad when Lena cast down her eyes and faced forward again, clearly getting the hint. But what was Kara supposed to say? She wasn’t going to say anything she wasn't ready to. Lena surely wouldn't want that, anyway. However, she should probably say _something_.

 

“Lena...” she began apologetically and brushed her thumb over Lena’s knuckle.

 

“It’s okay,” Lena quickly assured her. “I get it.”

 

Was she though? And did she? Kara tried not to sound accusing when she replied, since she mostly understood Lena’s reasons for hiding the truth from her.

 

“I just wish you’d been honest from the beginning. With everything.”

 

“If I'd been honest from the beginning, do you honestly think we would be where we are now?” Lena said defensively.

 

Of course not, without the lying they wouldn’t be discussing the lying. Kara was tempted to point that out but she didn't want to fight. Although, if they were to argue about anything, she figured it would probably be that.

 

“That's not the point,” she said instead. “Don't you think I had the right to know what I was getting myself into? That you cheated on your husband with me? Your abusive husband who now probably knows where I live, thanks to his paranoid cell phone tracking?”

 

Lena kept her gaze straight ahead and clenched her jaw, but stayed silent.

 

“When were you going to tell me?” Kara questioned, then suddenly had an alarming thought. “Because you _were_ going to tell me, right?”

 

“Of course!” Lena exclaimed, searching for Kara's gaze. “I was just so afraid. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Kara, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you.”

 

Lena’s features were laced with uncertainty and a kind of desperate longing Kara had never seen before.

 

“I don't think you would’ve lost me, and you’re not going to,” Kara said to soothe her. “As long as there are no more secrets, we’re going to be fine.”

 

Lena's shoulder relaxed visibly and relief washed over her face.

 

“No more secrets,” she agreed with a small, resolute nod.

 

They walked in silence for a while, side by side, both lost in their own thoughts.

 

“So, _Luthor,”_ Kara said then. “Your maiden name. Are you going to take it back?”

 

Lena gazed far into the distance with an obscure expression on her face.

 

“I don't know. It originates from my dad but after what my mother and brother did I'm not sure I want to be associated with it anymore.”

 

“I get that,” Kara nodded thoughtfully. “I like it, though. _Lena Luthor._ And hey, perhaps you could make people associate it with good again!”

 

Lena gave a tight-lipped smile.

 

“Perhaps.”

 

* * *

 

 _Lena hadn’t followed Kara home that day. Jack would've found her in no time and she had said she needed time to plan and prepare. Which had been fine, and totally understandable. But as the days had passed by without any change, Kara had started to grow impatient. Somewhere inside of her a_ _seed_ _of doubt had been sown._

 

* * *

 

A week. She hadn’t seen Lena in a week. The day at the stables they had agreed it was safer to refrain from seeing each other until after the divorce. The practical one, anyway, since the actual legal divorce could take months, if not longer. Kara tried not to think too much about that. One step at the time. First, Lena had to leave him.

 

However, she didn't seem to be in a hurry about that and Kara had a hard time to understand what was taking so long. If it were up to her, Lena would already be far, far away from Jack Spheer. But aside from the procrastination, Kara didn't have any reason to doubt Lena’s words. She had said that she loved her and she had said that she would leave her husband.

 

Because of this it came as quite the shock for Kara to see both Mr. and Mrs. Spheer walk through the cafe door at ten a.m. that Thursday. They were too fancily dressed to fit in with the other customers and, frankly, quite overdressed for a visit to the small cafe in general. When it had been only Lena it hadn’t seemed too odd but now it definitely did. People like them simply didn’t come to a dump like this. What was he doing there? Checking on his wife? Kara couldn't think of any other explanation, unless Lena hadn't totally screwed her over and was trying to rub it in her face that she was already in a relationship.

 

It still hurt, though, to see her walk in with his arm around her back. To see the look he gave her, and the look she gave him in return. Kara almost gagged a little at their couply behaviour and it took all her resolve to stay behind the counter and take their order with a smile. Completely dishonest and all too wide, granted, but still a smile. Lena stood slightly behind her husband as he – unsurprisingly – paid for them both, and for the first time since entering the cafe she lookedat Kara like she knew her.

 

For a moment Lena's eyes were sad and apologetic, silently conveying that this hadn’t been her idea. Kara noticed she had done a good job with covering the not-yet-healed bruises on her face. Someone who didn't know about them would never guess. But Kara knew and she let her gaze linger on the brunette for a moment longer than she probably should have.

 

“She's quite an eyeful, isn't she?”

 

Kara snapped her eyes back toward Jack and handed him the receipt with a racing heart. How the hell was she supposed to respond to that? She fiddled with her glasses uncomfortably.

 

“Uh,” she faltered and glanced briefly at Lena, who had paled notably under her makeup. “Yeah. She is.”

 

“Aren’t I the lucky one,” Jack said, his lips smiling but his hard gaze sending shivers down Kara’s spine.

 

“Very lucky, indeed,” she agreed, making an effort to sound lighthearted.

 

He put a ten-dollar bill on the counter without breaking eye contact and she didn't dare to look away, either. She just wished he would leave as quickly as possible so she could shake off her discomfort.

 

“Have a good day,” he said and grabbed his and Lena’s coffee to go. “Miss Danvers.”

 

Then he finally turned around and Lena hesitated for only a second before following him, head bowed. Kara let out a sigh of relief when the door closed behind the couple and looked at the bill on the counter with disgust. She didn't want to even touch it. It had come from the creep who happened to be married to her girlfriend and also apparently knew her last name. Both these issues were concerning, to say the least.

 

“What was that about?” Eve’s confused voice sounded from behind. “Did he just tip you ten dollars for a couple of takeaway coffees?”

 

“Seems like he did,” Kara replied tersely and turned around to regard her colleague with a strained smile. “Would you excuse me for a minute? I need to, um... I just need a minute.”

 

“Yes, of course. Is everything okay?”

 

It wasn’t. Her stomach tightened with unease as she tried not to think about what Jack might do to Lena now that he knew, now that they all knew. It didn't really matter how he got the information, someone in his position surely had his methods, but she still wondered. Had he been watching her? Maybe even following her? Or perhaps he had done nothing of the sort, instead relying purely on search engines and – inaccessible for the public – employee records. Who knew?

 

“It'll be fine,” she said with a dismissive shrug, forcing the worry from her face and hoping for her words to stay true. “But if that man comes back here I'll be the first to know, okay?”

 

“Sure,” Eve nodded, her forehead now creased with concern.

 

Kara quickly slipped back into the cafe's sorry excuse for a breakroom and sank down between her and Eve’s bags on the shabby loveseat. She didn't want to get the other blonde involved in all of this but she wanted to talk to someone. _Needed_ to talk to someone. She didn't feel safe anymore.

 

She hesitated with her thumb hovering over the call button. Perhaps she was overreacting? But then again, perhaps she wasn’t. Determined, she clicked the button and pressed the phone to her ear. Alex picked up after a couple of rings.

 

“Hey! What's up?”

 

Kara immediately found comfort in the upbeat voice of her friend and relaxed a little. Her own voice, on the other hand, was unusually meek as she answered.

 

“Hey,” she said and thought about how to best breach the subject. “I need to talk to you.”

 

“I figured that’s the reason you called,” Alex said jokingly but there was also a serious hint to her tone, subtly showing that she knew something was amiss. “Spill.”

 

Kara told her everything. From the almost breakup and confessions of abuse to kisses in the snowfall and Jack’s visit to the cafe. Her fears and doubts. She took a deep breath an exhaled slowly once she was done. It felt good to have it all off her chest. She hadn’t really spoken to Alex about Lena since before finding out about the staircase incident and she certainly hadn’t talked to anyone else about it.

 

To Kara’s relief, Alex was understanding. Concerned, but supportive, and not judging either Kara nor Lena for any of their actions.

 

“What can I do for you? Do you want me to look into support groups or legal guidance?”

 

“That would be much appreciated,” Kara said gratefully, then started to tap her fingers against her thigh as she grew anxious again. “And do you mind to, uh, maybe stay over tonight? Just tonight. I don't think it's very likely he’ll come banging on my door but I'd feel safer if I wasn’t alone.”

 

“Of course, Kara. Just tell me when you want me to come over, I'm gonna head to the gym for a bit now but I have the rest of the day free.”

 

“Thanks, Alex. I really appreciate it.”

 

* * *

 

 _They had spent the evening in front of Kara’s laptop, bookmarking_ _valuable_ _webpages and discussing how to best give the information to Lena. Alex had offered to deliver it, deeming it safe since Jack – in the unfortunate case he was home – wouldn't recognize her. While Kara hadn’t been overly keen on the idea, she’d agreed that they didn't have much of an option. There hadn’t been any other way to get in touch with Lena, which had also prompted Alex’s next idea._

 

_An extra cell phone._

 

* * *

 

“Hi?” Kara said breathlessly.

 

“Hi.”

 

It felt strange to hear Lena’s voice over the phone. Strange, but _so_ good. Kara laid back onto her pillow and let out a contented sigh.

 

“I guess the phone works alright? It’s rather basic but I figured calls and texts were the most important features.”

 

“Yes, thank you. I'll pay you back... Someday.”

 

“Don't worry about it,” Kara brushed it off. “How are you? It was pretty intense yesterday.”

 

“Yeah,” Lena sighed. “I'm so sorry about that. I had no idea that he knew. I would’ve warned you he was coming to the cafe but I didn't dare to in case he would check my phone.”

 

“It’s okay,” Kara said, though she was still quite rattled by the experience. “But now you have a way to contact me, in case you need it. Or if you just want to talk, it doesn't have to be an emergency.”

 

She tried to sound cheery but really she wanted to ask _when?_ She wanted to know how much longer she'd have to wait before things would get better. Because they _were_ going to get better once Lena left her abuser. No doubt.

 

“How’s the planning going?”

 

It was as indirect as she could be but, honestly, not that indirect. The line grew quiet, only the faint sound of Lena’s breathing filtering through.

 

“Lena, are you still there?” Kara asked after a while.

 

“I'm here,” Lena replied hoarsely and cleared her throat, but didn’t speak further.

 

The seed of doubt within Kara was quickly sprouting into a crop with Lena’s lack of words, her lack of reassurance that she would do as they had decided. Kara closed her eyes and focused on her own breathing for a few moments to center herself.

 

“If there's a problem, I want you to tell me,” she said, wanting to make a few points very clear. “You know I'll come pick you up at any time of the day and we'll leave without looking back. The only thing you need to do is to tell me when, the rest we can figure out on the go.”

 

There was still only quiet breathing on the other end of the line. Quicker now, shallower. Kara clenched her free hand into a fist, clutching her duvet.

 

“It’s time to find your inner strength, Lena,” she asserted with fervour. “It’s time to take your life back.”

 

“But what if I'm not strong?” Lena finally spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. “What if I'm weak?”

 

“Then be weak, and let me be strong for you.”

 

Kara felt a tightness in her chest, the anxiousness for Lena’s reply manifesting itself physically.

 

“I can’t.”

 

The tightness grew unbearable as the familiar sensation of tears burned behind her eyes. She couldn't believe she’d let herself be fooled again. Love. What was love? Clearly she wasn't lovable enough for anyone to _really_ care for her. Not important enough. Not good enough. People could tell her they loved her all they wanted, but in the end actions spoke louder than words. She had just been so sure that Lena was different. She still felt it. But if Lena wasn’t going to leave Jack, they couldn't be together. So, she must’ve been wrong about her.

 

“I don't know what to say,” she said quietly, her voice void of emotion and her chest now so constricted it felt as if her heart was beating in concrete.

 

“Kara, I'm sorry.”

 

And _fine_ , maybe she was sorry, but how could she have deceived Kara like this? Had she just needed to get away and now when things got serious she’d rather return to her cage, where she knew what to expect even though it made her miserable? Change was hard, and scary. Kara knew that. But enough to outweigh the supposed love Lena felt for her? Enough to outweigh Lena's love for _herself_?

 

But of course, that love might be destroyed from years of abuse. Kara couldn’t give up. Lena needed her. She deserved better. No one should ever have to accept to be treated the way she was being treated.

 

“It doesn't matter,” Kara said with sudden determination. “It hurts, it does, and I don't understand why you would say that you love me only to go and break my heart a few days later. But I'll still be here for you, Lena. You _need_ to leave him and I will support you through that no matter what.”

 

“Oh Kara, you fool.”

 

Her heart skipped a beat at Lena’s loving tone and she hated herself for how easily hope flitted back into her heart. But this was _Lena_ , and Kara was slowly realizing that she loved her more than she had ever thought possible to love another human. She might not be ready to express it in words, but she _felt_ it, and frankly, it kind of scared her. She didn't know how far she was willing to go to protect Lena, if the situation demanded it. Even if Lena didn't fully reciprocate her feelings.

 

“It’s _because_ I love you I have to stay,” Lena began, and Kara frowned at the twisted logic. “He's threatened to hurt you too, Kara. And I don't doubt that he would, he usually follows through with his threats.”

 

The concrete in her chest was cracking open around her now swelling heart and the tears that hadn’t fallen before made a new attempt to wet her skin. This didn't exactly boost her sense of security – she seriously considered to ask Alex to stay the full weekend, or better, ask to stay at Alex’s – but it effectively erased her doubts regarding Lena’s feelings toward her.

 

“I never thought...” Lena continued, her voice faltering. “I gave up on leaving this marriage a long time ago. I didn’t expect to ever meet someone like you, someone who would love and support me despite my many flaws and mistakes.”

 

“But you did,” Kara pointed out. “All you have to do is leave him, and I promise to be there every step of the way.”

 

“I know,” Lena whimpered, her voice choked up from withheld tears. “It’s just... If he harms you in any way I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It's safer this way.”

 

“No! That's not how we do this.”

 

Kara jumped out of bed and started a frantic search for clean clothes. She would fix this. They would find a way. Lena still loved her and Kara wasn't going to let this horrible man stand in the way of their happiness, not now when she knew they had a chance at it.

 

“There must be something the police can do? Have you ever spoken to them?” she wondered, picking up a pair of jeans that were... _clean_ _enough_.

 

“What do you think?” Lena mumbled.

 

“Okay, then I'll call-“ Kara began, only to be cut off by a forceful “ _NO!_ ” from Lena. “But I'll just ask them-“

 

“Kara Danvers, you _do_ _not_ call the police!”

 

Kara stilled in her hopeless attempts to get into the jeans with just one hand and sat down on her bed. This was a side of Lena she wasn't familiar with. But she kinda liked it.

 

“Good,” she said appreciatively and could almost feel the other woman's confusion through the phone. “Just direct that fierceness toward your husband and we're good to go.”

 

There was a deep sigh on the other end of the line.

 

“They will never believe you, you know? He has connections everywhere and they would take his side in this. Since I won't get much money if we divorce, this would be my only chance of getting some.”

 

“But how would they explain away the bruises?” Kara wondered.

 

“Bruises fade. Besides, I could've gotten them from anything. It's his word against mine. For all they know I could very well have caused them myself, or been into it.”

 

“Been into...?” Kara started questioningly but stopped as she realized what Lena meant. “Oh.”

 

“I can't win,” Lena said in defeat. “We can't win.”

 

“Yes, we can,” Kara argued, refusing to give up. “I believe in you, Lena. I'm sure that if you just walk out that door, and we report him to the police, things won't get as bad as you think they will. What’s your biggest fear with leaving? What are you afraid that he'll do?”

 

Lena was quiet for a while and Kara patiently waited for her reply. Maybe if they talked about it Lena would realize that her fears were exaggerated.

 

“I don't know, Kara. That is what scares me the most. I don't know what he would do. He could ruin your future, or he could...”

 

She trailed off.

 

“He could what?” Kara gently prodded.

 

“He could take it away completely.”

 

Kara reeled at the mere suggestion.

 

“You think he'd kill me?” she questioned, the words foreign on her lips. “As much as that thought scares me, do you _really_ think he’d do that? I mean, to threaten to hurt someone is one thing, but to actually _do_ it, to actually _end_ someone’s _life_...”

 

“Oh Kara, I don't know! I just know that I don't want to take the risk and find out!”

 

Kara’s brain was working on top speed, searching for a solution for this seemingly unsolvable problem. She was getting tired of her arguments failing to change Lena’s mind. There had to be something they hadn't thought of yet.

 

“What if I got a gun? Would you feel safer?”

 

She had never used a gun before, let alone owned one, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

 

“A...gun...?” Lena faltered.

 

“Yeah, a gun. It shouldn't be too hard? This is America, after all.”

 

As far as Kara was concerned she shouldn't have much of a problem with getting one. It felt strange to consider buying a weapon but the more she thought about it, the more she grew used to the idea.

 

“Kara, no,” Lena gently protested. “That’s a bad idea.”

 

Kara hesitated. Maybe Lena was right.

 

“And what about money? They don't come for free,” Lena pointed out, trying to talk Kara out of this impulse purchase.

 

She was right, they didn't come for free. But surely there must be guns in different price ranges? Poor people needed protection, too. She wasn't even poor, she had an apartment and a job and her only problem for the moment was a certain male with pitch-black hair and a creepy stare, namely Jack Spheer. She wouldn't call him a man, he stopped being that the moment he laid a hand on Lena.

 

“Well, I guess I could use some of my savings?” Kara said and shrugged, even though Lena couldn't see her.

 

“I still think it’s a bad idea,” Lena said after a moment of silence. “Do you even know how to handle a gun? What if you hurt yourself!”

 

“I wouldn't! Have some faith in me. I'd be careful.”

 

It wasn't like she was going to hunt Jackdown and fill his chest with lead. Perhaps she wouldn’t even put bullets in the gun. How would any offender with a quick glance in a heated moment be able to tell whether it was loaded or not? They wouldn't.

 

Lena sighed tiredly, her frustration carrying over the phone with the exhale, but before they could argue further Kara heard her draw a sharp breath.

 

“He's home.”

 

The call disconnected before Kara had a chance to reply and she found the sudden silence daunting. She hoped that Jack wouldn't notice any change in Lena, that he wouldn't find the phone. Lena better hide it well.

 

* * *

 

_She’d gotten a text from Lena later that day and she had read it with a small smirk on her face._

 

“ _Don't buy a gun, Kara. Give me the weekend, xx”_

 

_Kara had already decided against the firearm, figuring it'd take too much time to get skilled enough to be able to use it properly. Alex – who happened to be a good shot actually, with her father in the military and all – had also been skeptic and instead offered to teach her some self-defense techniques. She had half-jokingly suggested Kara to keep a baseball bat by her door, in true crime fiction spirit, and Kara had done exactly that. The addition had made her feel at least a little bit safer in her home._

 

_In the heat of the moment Kara had later also brought the bat to Lena's house, but it was as well. She was glad that she had. It had made her feel a little less terrified against what would meet her on the other side of the door at 2116 Beresford Road that Sunday afternoon._

 

* * *

 

Lena was calling. Finally.

 

Kara braced herself, not entirely sure what kind of conversation she should expect, and picked up the phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

She had anxiously waited through most of the weekend, checking her phone every five seconds and sighing impatiently when there was no sign of Lena. She had gone through the self-defense moves more times than she could count.

 

“I-I... I did it,” Lena stuttered, her distressed tone immediately having Kara’s stomach in knots.

 

“You did...? Did you leave him?” Kara asked, hopeful and apprehensive all at once.

 

“N-no, I...“ Lena began falteringly and proceeded to try to explain through shaky breaths, failing to make much sense to Kara.

 

The blonde felt helplessness spread through her body like a poison, paralyzing her, until she remembered that there were ways she could fight this. Her eyes flitted toward the hallway, where the bat stood rested against the wall. There were ways she could help Lena, if needed. Protect her.

 

“Lena, what happened? Did he find out you were leaving?” she tried to interrupt the other woman’s incoherent stammering.

 

“H-he’s downstairs, I-I... Oh God...”

 

Kara was already halfway to her door and didn’t even try to calm the furious hammering in her chest. If Jack had hurt Lena again, if he _was_ _about_ to hurt her again, she would... She would... God! She knew she was thinking irrationally – or was she, really? – but right now she just wanted to put a bullet between his dark, soulless eyes. She should've gotten that gun after all, she thought darkly.

 

“I'm calling the police,” she informed Lena through gritted teeth, the phone pressed between her cheek and shoulder as she struggled to tie her shoes.

 

Goddamned shoelaces!

 

“I'm coming to get you, Lena. I'll call you back as soon as I’ve talked to the police. Stay put, okay?”

 

She thought she heard some sort of affirmative answer and was about to end the call when a sudden fear took hold of her. Maybe this was the last she would heard from Lena. She couldn't be sure that Jack wouldn't cross that final line and... She couldn’t be _sure_.

 

So she said it. For the first time in earnest to someone, she said it. Three little words, stumbling over her lips in an urgent huff of air.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Oh Kara,” Lena shakily managed to say before taking a shuddering breath. “I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

_Lena loved her. And she loved Lena. That was all that mattered, wasn’t it? That was all that really mattered._

 

* * *

 

The police had said they would send someone over and told Kara to wait for them. She wasn't supposed to enter the house and intervene. But what other choice did she have when Lena didn’t pick up again? When Kara, sitting in her car staring at the golden _two one one_ _six_ across the street, only got incessant signals echoing ominously in her head?

 

“Dammit!” she cursed and snatched the bat from the passenger seat, using her anger to suppress her exponentially increasing fear as she stepped out of the car.

 

She crossed the street, her palm sweaty against the wooden handle of the bat. After knocking hard on the door and ringing the doorbell several times in rapid succession she realized no one was going to open for her. With a glance over her shoulder she rounded the house, looking for a backdoor.

 

She was in luck, there was one, and she crept over the porch toward it. Then she froze. It was left ajar.

 

Nervously pushing her glasses higher up her nose she licked her lips and swallowed thickly. Why would they leave the door open? Either things had turned ugly fast or someone in there wanted to be found. If it was the latter, Kara prayed that someone wasn't Jack. She squinted through the windows but couldn't see anything and decided to try her luck. She had to make sure Lena was okay.

 

Her hands were trembling slightly as she turned the handle and pulled the door open further. She gripped the bat in her hand tighter as she carefully stepped over the threshold. It appeared she was in the living room and she slowly moved toward the hallway visible ahead, gaze flitting left and right.

 

“Hello?” she called out, her voice cutting through the eerie silence like a sharp-egged blade.

 

She reached the hallway and it was then she noticed it. The blood. Crimson stains on the ground leading out of – or possibly into – the kitchen. Lena might already have been injured when she called, which meant the reason for her not picking up could be...

 

Kara took hold of her baseball bat with both hands and raised it over her shoulder.

 

“Show yourself!” she demanded and stepped closer to the kitchen. “I'm armed!”

 

Deciding to go against the police’s instructions had been stupid, she realized that now. She didn't know what would meet her in the kitchen and she had never used a bat for this purpose before. What was she even doing? Would she be able to hit hard enough, if required? What if Jack was armed too, but with a firearm? No sane person would rely on a piece of wood for home protection.

 

Kara wasn't sure how she was supposed to handle a confrontation like that. What had she been thinking, taking this on by herself when she didn't even had a proper weapon? What if Jack was standing behind her right this moment and she hadn’t noticed because all her focus had been directed forward?

 

She whipped around to scan the space behind her but there was no one there. Perhaps she had watched too many thrillers. She turned back and took the final steps toward and into the kitchen, trying to keep her breathing even, but she wasn't quite prepared for the sight that met her.

 

“Oh God,” she mumbled and lowered the bat, a hand coming up to cover her mouth.

 

She suddenly realized the reason for the odd, metallic smell that had been present since she entered, only that she hadn't really paid attention to it until now. Jack, the person responsible for years of Lena’s suffering, was lying in a pool of smeared blood on the kitchen floor. Finally paying for his sins, Kara thought, but it wasn’t supposed to have happened like this.

 

She put the bat aside, letting it rest against the wall. There was no need for it anymore.

 

On the kitchen counter, dinner preparations had been abandoned. A blood-tainted chef’sknife was lying on the floor a few feet away from Jack, whose once light-blue shirt was now stained maroon from an ugly slash in the back. Judging by the amount of blood, Kara imagined his front had several similar slashes and she was glad he was lying on his stomach, facing away from her, so she didn't have to see it.

 

With cautious movements, trying to avoid making an even worse mess, she walked up to the body on the floor on shaky legs. She didn't want to look at him, smell him, _touch_ him, but she had to make sure. Swallowing hard and trying to control her increasingly frantic breathing she leaned down and put two fingers against his neck. _Nothing._ She swallowed again. Jack was both taller and stronger than Lena and if he looked like this, if he was _dead_ , what state could she possibly be in? Kara’s eyes widened in horror as she thought about it.

 

She slowly straightened and backed away, now panting heavily. There was blood, so much blood. Too much, she thought, to be from only one person.

 

“Lena?” she called breathlessly, as if the air had suddenly run out of oxygen.

 

There was no answer so she tried louder.

 

“Lena!”

 

With her heart pounding she searched the elegant house, following the trail of red stains up the stairs like a bloodhound. The door she ended up in front of had a small WC sign on it, blood smeared on the handle, but – strangely – no lock. There was no lock on the bathroom door. No doubt, Jack had taken away even that small sliver of privacy and breathing space. Kara knocked urgently on the dark wood.

 

“Lena? It’s just me,” she called as reassuringly as she could manage. “He's... He’s gone.”

 

When there was still no answer she opened the door, and her stomach churned at the sight.

 

“No,” she breathed out.

 

Huddled up in the corner of the shower sat a small figure, her face drained of colour and her eyes closed. They couldn’t be closed, not with all the deep red on her clothes and hands and _neck_ -

 

“No no no, Lena!”

 

Kara was by her side in two big strides, gathering her in her arms and finally letting go of all the tension and tears she’d been holding back while trying to keep it all together earlier. But Lena stirred in her embrace, very much alive, and soiled hands reached out, gripping weakly at Kara’s jacket and pulling her closer.

 

“You're here.”

 

The violent sobs that racked Kara’s body eased when she heard Lena’s voice and her tears became ones of relief rather than agony.

 

“I thought you were dead!” she exclaimed and pulled back, raking her eyes over the ghastly pale woman before her. “You’re hurt.”

 

“I'm fine,” Lena smiled faintly and Kara had to resist her impulse to groan and pinch the bridge of her nose.

 

“You’re obviously not fine, I wish you'd stop saying that when you're clearly not.”

 

Lena firmly shook her head.

 

“He was too weak, he couldn't...” she faltered, fear seeping into her gaze. “He tried to strangle me but I...”

 

“You used the knife?” Kara tried to fill in the rest.

 

“I-I...” Lena stuttered, and Kara pulled her in for another hug.

 

“Shh, it's gonna be okay. It was self-defense.”

 

“No.”

 

Kara recoiled as if she'd been slapped in the face. Her mind blanked and she barely registered the police entering the house. Lena had killed Jack, that was hard enough to digest. But murdered? Lena wasn’t a murderer. Her brother perhaps, and her mother, but not Lena.

 

“No?” Kara questioned incredulously and searched Lena’s colourless face for clues.

 

“No,” Lena confirmed, her stare turning empty. “I just... I knew I could never leave him.”

 

She suddenly felt like a stranger to Kara.

 

“So you just stabbed him out of nowhere? What are you gonna tell the police?”

 

“Not much to tell,” Lena mumbled, not denying the scenario Kara had proposed, for whatever reason. “My fingerprints are everywhere and I'm covered in his blood.”

 

Lena looked like she was going to be sick and Kara could relate to that feeling, she really could. Everything was falling apart and she shut her eyes for a moment, trying to block it all out. How had this happened? Where had they gone wrong? She thought back to that day in November. What if Lena hadn’t come to the cafe? What if Kara hadn't paid for her coffee? What if Lena hadn't paid her back? What if she hadn’t kissed her? What if Kara hadn't seen the bruises? What if, what if, what if...?

 

She felt Lena start to tremble slightly and despite the woman's earlier reassurances, Kara knew that she was, if not physically hurt, at least severely shaken by what she had just experienced.

 

This was no cold-blooded murderer. Not Lena.

 

“But you’ll go to prison,” Kara said softly, moving a few stray stands of raven hair from Lena’s face. “For years.”

 

Lena gave her a pained look and they both heard one of the officers ascend the stairs.

 

“But what if I deserve it?” Lena said with tears in her eyes, the tremble in her voice matching the one of her body. “What if I'm just like _her_? Just like _them._ ”

 

“You're not like your mother,” Kara asserted. “I may not know everything about you, Lena, but I know that. For whatever reason you did what you did, when you did, there are years of abuse leading up to it. I wish that you hadn't, that you could take it back, but what's done is done and we need to move forward.”

 

“We?” Lena said incomprehensibly, a flicker of hope returning to her eyes. “You still...want to be with me?”

 

It seemed like such a foreign concept to her that Kara started to doubt herself for a moment, as well. She knew what she felt but what if that wasn't the right thing to feel? Lena had killed someone and it hadn’t been in self-defense. Those were facts. That kind of action changed a person, Kara wasn’t naive enough to think everything would be the same after this. In fact, the whole point of this _was_ change and had been from the beginning, it just wasn’t supposed to have ended with _death._

 

But the important parts of Lena, the ones she loved, the very essence that was _her..._ That would still be the same, right? She was still _Lena_?

 

“Kara?”

 

Lena’s voice was barely above a whisper, vulnerable as only the one of someone who had lost everything, been given hope, and then had it snatched away again. Footsteps now approached the bathroom.

 

“Will you wait for me?”

 

Lena looked ready to break and Kara knew that she would, if she said no. But that was not what she wanted to say. It wasn't at all.

 

* * *

 

 _There had been a woman who would regularly visit the cafe, alone, just to sit and slowly sip on a cup of coffee. She would always order the same type of coffee, often stay long after finishing her cup, and Kara clearly remembered the first day they had spoken beyond_ _courtesies._ _She just as clearly remembered the day the same woman went to prison for manslaughter._

 

_But Kara would wait. Of course she would wait. All five years if she had to._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Spoilers for Supergirl 2x18: CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE THE ENDING OF THIS CAME SOMEWHAT TRUE?! The irony. I did not expect that x'D Poor Lena...)
> 
> I (thankfully) don't have personal experience with abuse of any kind so my knowledge is limited to stories from other people and the Internet. As always, I did some some research, and I hope I did these issues at least somewhat justice!
> 
> The song that sparked the original idea back in April 2016 was "Kill My Boyfriend" by Natalia Kills. I just went to check YouTube and THERE'S A MOTHER EFFING SUPERCORP VIDEO, GO SEE IT NOW! [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7pNv191wvw](url)
> 
> I would really like to write a sequel to this. Can y'all just imagine Lena in prison, bumping into her mother all of a sudden? The horror... And Maggie being a prison guard or something, Alex meeting her as she accompanies Kara who's anxious about visiting Lena. Yeah, idk, what do you think? Is Luthor the new black?


End file.
